Forever silenced

My world my pain trapped inside, trouth will never surface. The people that have done bad things get away with it, while i get scared for life, and even more silent in my torture of what's called life.

I'm sorry that i dont write more often, there isn't enough energy for me to do so as things are right now. I wish i could.
I am num, almost dead inside, sure i walk, breatheand look quite alive/happy, that couldn't be far more from the trooth.. If you dont know anything of why, I want it to stay that way.

I never wanted it to be this way, it wasn't completely my choice. How odd it may sound.

---

Anathema - Empty

" Empty vessel under the sun wipe the dust
From my face another morning black Sunday
Coming down again empty vessel empty veins
Empty bottle wish for rain that pain again
Wash the blood off my face the pulse from
My brain and I feel that pain again

I'm looking over my shoulder 'cos millions
Will whisper I'm killing myself again maybe
I'm dying faster but nothing ever last I
Remember a night from my past when I was
Stabbed in the back and its all coming
Back and I feel that pain again

I abhor you I condemn you 'cos this pain
Will never end you got away without a
Scratch and now you're walking on a lucky
Path I have to laugh but you'd better watch your back

There's pathetic opposition they're the
Cause of my condition ill be coming back
For them I've a solution for this sad
Situation nothing left but to kill myself
Again because I'm so empty"

Naptime?

Mylene Farmer - C'est une belle journée
(English translation of lyrics song title "Its A Beautiful Day")


Laying down, the body is dead,
For Thousands it is a man who sleeps,
Half full, is the amphoria,
Yet half empty, it is seen so effortlessly
To see life, from one angle (literally: the tail side of a coin)
Oh philosophy, speak to me of elegies.
Happiness, it frightens me,
To have so many desires,
And my heart murmurs, so ...

(Chorus)

It's a beautiful day,
I'm going to bed,
Such a beautiful day, that is ending,
Gives one the desire to love, but, I'm going to bed,
To sink my teeth into eternity,
It's a beautiful day,
I'm going to bed,
Such a beautiful day, so regal,
Gives, A desire for peace,
To see angels at my feet, but,
I'm going to bed, to make myself beautiful ...

Laying down, the body is dead,
For Thousands it is a man who sleeps,
Half full is the amphoria,
Yet half empty, is how I still see it,
All is said, since when it comes to love,
When things get heavy,
If the heart is light, the elegies flow, always,
The pleasures, those that last, those that don't,
You see my love,
I'm out of breath, you see...

(Chorus)

Beautiful,
Life is beautiful
Like a wing,
That one should not crease,
Beautiful,
Life is beautiful,
And I go there,
Beautiful,
Life is beautiful,
But mine ...
Her, I enter her,
Mortal one, go... (nuance: be free)

(Chorus)

Whats there to say?

Can you love someone without eaven knowing how she looks? Can you feel something diffrent with her if its so?
How do I know if you do want me for who I really am? The nutcase of flesh that in fact gesture 'me'. "The Figure In The Mirror's Not Me" has it's true meaning here.

L'âme Immortelle - Figure In The Mirror



Bad live video, but the lyrics are:

" Every time you put this mask on your face
A little piece of your soul dies away

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

What I feel and what I see
I do through eyes of an enemy
Forced by powers pushing me
Resulting in fear and misery

I change myself to fit the needs....
During this Mutation my heart bleeds
Trying to adjust to Society
Not anymore I want to be free

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

Only a few could break the shell
Surrounding my soul's polluted well
Drink from it and you will see
All the pain that rests in me

It's like Pandora's box
With a number of haunted locks
The one who sees deep inside
knows all the feelings I do hide

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

Once you took a look inside of me
You decide between joy and misery
If you abuse the things you know

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee"

---

There are not much to say, I'm a fraud within myself, a lie if you want. I dont deserve any diffrent treatment then anyone else. I just wish I could be me.



I don't belong here..... But?.... Where do I belong then? Can anyone tell me beafore I'm going insane?

Hold your darling.

Sorry Wing, but this song and this video are for me artwork, the blood dont disturb me when it's art. The beauty in it all, is the lyrics, they tell a tale beyond the red liquid. I hope you can oversee this video, but I reccomend that you atleast read the lyrics, altho without the music the lyrics falls a bit to much out of place.

I have lost my words, lost my hope. All that is needed to be told is in this song, these lyrics. Altho you might have to be logged in (and above 18) to watch this video.

:Wumpscut: - Hold
(Fan video)


Time, your time
It fades away
I feel, my time
My life, runs out

So hold, you darling
Your darling, in your arm
Because, it leaves
Very soon, soon

Dance, agian
With me, and we
Will find, and end
For al,l I call

Leaving

This might be

All things aren't as they seem, people aren't what they appear to be. Experience this to many times and you loose all hope in mankind. Dont ask me why, dont ask me how, I wount awnser.
I miss my cat, my Kitty. Trying to move on, but who can ever fill her shoes? Hard to explain thisone also, there is just to much pain involved. Hope is all that is left.

Yes I want to be pretty. Strange how you always want to look like someone else, have another haircolour, have a better life. Im a sucker for the goth look, even if I'm blonde myself.

That's all for now.

Music

Thankfully I've got my music, without it there is no reason to exist. It's the only thing that keep me sane right now. How sad it might sound.. Well, even if i didn't have my music i would still stay among the living, if not only to bug the crap out of some of ya'll.

Even if every tune of every song that I listen to erminds me of my once so beloved shadowy figure in this world. I cant help myself from going there like a bee to honey.. I must feel what I once felt, the last time when I got to hold you in my arms. The thing that hurts the most, is that it isn't you that I can hold in my arms like you promised, like I hoped. I gave you my life, my secrets, my soul.. And you had to turn your back.... I just want to cry.. And believe me I do, safley inside where noone can se my pain, my loss, my grief. There was nothing I could have done, eaven if you might think so my dear.. It feels like you lost your love cause you might have thought that there still was something that I could have done diffrent. Someday you will understand that there was no way for me to do that.

"I'm crawling past my younger years, shedding all of my biggest tears.
Loosing everything that I once had in mind, when it yet was so close to find."
-Jezz -071105

Hungry Lucy - Stay

I come through the door
You're not sitting by the table
Anymore
I look away
Can't hold this image in my mind
I wish I was blind
To the hope your face will bring

Why should I
Keep this guilt wrapped up in chains
Pain again
'Cause my heart's not made that way
We can be
Just as close if I am far away
Love you enough
To stay ... to stay

Oceans of love
Fill my empty heart
And I wonder
Would it always be the same
Carry me inside
These feelings will not die
You'll be with me forever

Why should I
Keep this guilt wrapped up in chains
Pain again
'Cause my heart's not made that way
We can be
Just as close if I am far away
Love you enough
To stay ... to stay

Why should I
Keep this guilt wrapped up in chains
Pain again
'Cause my heart's not made that way
We will be
Just as close though I am far away
I loved you enough
To stay ... to stay

Forever...

Couldn't agree more.

No will

I'm sorry, the few of you who actually read my blog have probably noticed that I haven't updated in a long while. The trouth is, there are no strength, no energy left for me anymore. I cant keep on updating this blog since got nothing to write about accept my pain, my worries, my enclosed world. That can be ok for a while, but now you're just getting bored with my crap, my pain, my shit.
I't feels like it doesent matter if I update it or not, since there are so few ppl reading it anyhow. To you true readers I thank you for your time that you have put into reading my blog, and especially a big thanks to you people who actually took your time to post some comments, most appriciated.

Give me a reason to write on when life time after time kills your spirit & takes away your will to live.

Have I realy

I thought I was yource forever, but now you are making me a fool. I'm sorry for loving you, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I gave you my heart and all you did was to throw it on the ground and step on it. Sorry, but that's how it feels. I kept my promise, my part of the deal. I hope you will understand that one day.

One

"One candle left to burn now, beafore the darkness comes."


Build a bird out of a feather wount be easy my dear. But thats all i got left.

He is comming to get me, when this is over, if I am left alone.

---

I am letting the images talk, dont have my thoughts in line. No words can express my pain, my fear. Most likley will my heart, my soul, take another scaring tomorrow. Forever engraved deep in the flesh inside of me. Oh how I wish it can be us two. But you unfortunatly have destroyed my hope for now.
Altho I will keep my promise to you!

Thoughts

The thoughts keep me awake. Thoughts of you. How I miss your touch. How i miss to hold you in my arms. To smell your hair, hide my face in your neck.. To taste your skin. Loose myself in your beautiful eyes, I am nothing compared to you'r grace. I cant imagine a life without you, my feelings are to strong for you. Eaven when I sin infront of the spirits, I cant stop myself from thinking of you.

I truly do miss you. Many <3 to you.

---

Without my wings I'm stranded, I dont know who took em, but I do know who can give them back to me.

Time to get back, time to try to sleep again. Will this insomnia never end?

Operation

Operation buildup hopefully begins on wensday. Scrabble up the ashes of my so called life, grabbing nail and hammer & get to work.

Rebuilding will take time, and hopefully I can get some support & help from the few friends thats left. I dont expect much tho..

True, true..

Today im lazy, its weekend dangit! Give me a brake, this image says todays statement clearly. Enjoy.

Relentless

This wait is relentless, and I'm sick of this life. I Just wanna scream. How could this happen to me??
Nothing lef to do, but to grab the bulls horns and see what happens. Not far left now..

Only a few candles left to burn now.

All my entrys seems to be the same, somehow I dont find that strange since it feels like every day is the same, same guilt same fear, same panic flowing over me.


Cant take this much longer. Only reason I kep on fighthing is you my dear, hence I'm still here longing.

Completely....

I am going completely mad. Everything I see reminds me of you. I dont dare to stop, and see for sure, if its true. My heart stops every time, numbing me from head to toe. Every image I have, remids me of you. Have to restrain myself from crying. I dont know what to do if I loose you. You're the only one that ment this much to me, I just want you to know that.
Forever will a big chunk of my heart belong to you, unregarding if you want it or not.

Kisses to you my dear, I will always hold you near.

Longing....

I'm longing for my princess or angel to come and save me, save me from ths world of agony and pain. Where she stands I do not know. The world seems to crumble around me. Untill there's nothing left to see.

My only hope is to keep eyes forward, and walk up straight. Even tho I might get cought in a stinbeling fall that will never end.

---

If this doesen't end well, my Kitty wount have much more then a shallow grave left to watch of what once was me.I will be gone, dont know how, dont know where, but i cant stay here.
The only things that frightens me, is that my Kitty will do the same as this last picture.. Only hope i stil got.

"Please my dear, dont leave me here. All Alone by myself, with nothing left to do, but to blame my actions in the past. The only thing i wanted was for this to last.
Forever my dear, forever I promised. And im still keeping that promise.
For as long as you want me I am yours."
-Jezz -07

Agonizing

They say pictures say more then a thousand words... Well see for yourself if you can decipher what I want to tell by these pictures.

Don't ask me to explain, you wount understand half of the words i would type in that case.

Figurine

Mostly the hours just tick on by, nothing special about that. But so far this week has been painfully slow. 30 minutes feels like two hours or more. Only to see that the clock almost doesn't move at all.

Black collar around my neck, the silver studs shine so to tell others to back away. Leash to a firm stedy hand, "Common darling, lead me away to some other land.".

Will things ever be the same again? Or will I still have to hide away, never to be seen again?

Broken

Dark nights passes by. Never a day goes without it makeing me cry. I'm not sheding any tears, its all hidden deep inside.

Every entry in this bloging feels like the same thing over and over again.
This isn't me, i promise. Dont knwo what else to write about since there's not much interesting things that are happening in my life atm, as I've written beafore - right now I live in a nothinges, a vaccuum just trying to get by.. Things will get better i hope, but i cannot be sure of that as for now, only time will tell, fortunatly there aren't that long time left now before i will know how things will be in the future. For better or for worce. I will continue struggling for as long as i have the energy.

---

And for you who think I'm an angel, here's the proof that it's not so.

You Are 94% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. (Don't know that many people as for now anyhow.) The devil is even a little scared of you! (He'd better be for when i arrive!)

How Evil Are You?

Wonderful silence

Slowly it gets darker, the leaves fade to yellowish colours, the day fades away.

Is there any way to convince someone that they are wonderful, beautiful, and the greatest just the way they are? If there is I'd like to know it. Seems like all words i say just flows right through. That disturbs me.. Why oh why, does everything i try, always away from me fly? (Bad rhime i know)

Enjoy todays picture, i sure did. And rimember, you ARE beautiful, eaven if you dont want to believe so yourself.