My empty world of thoughts. "I Am, and always will be my own thinking soul.
But i dont feel well, if I'm not allowed to belong to someone else." -Jezz 990708
I'm so much worse. Is there rly any way to keep myself from going insane? I'm still waiting for my dreams They seem never to get real. No matter how much I hope. The world always find some way to pin me down. Flat to the ground.
I know I'm bad. However I'm not bad in the way you think.
How much more of this can I take? Time will tell, as usual.. It's my worst enemy.
Is it to much to ask? To have someone near, Someone to call dear? Apparently it's so. Since time pass by. And still everything remains the same. I just want to have someone to hold. Someone to get lost within those beautiful eyes. Never get tired to touch her silk like skin. Hear that voice from within. Tell you "shes the one, to keep. Forever, and ever".
Only for the privileged ones. Prove otherwise, I dare you!?
I lost my wings. Forgot how to fly. Ran away. Away from it all.
Cowered with shame. Nothing remains the same. Every hurtful feeling. Crowding in my brain. Could I feel happy? Nah, never again.
Drowning in the river of tears. Cannot look back. Everythings black. Wandering the afterlife. Looking for a way to get back. Untill I found her track.
Searched through the snow. Walking in terrible cold. Loosing all hope. Where to go? She's nowhere to be find. All this snow is making me blind.
I want everything I could need. Long hair as there can be. Suculent hips, longing lips. Just like hers. Just like hers.
My longing wishes. Don't make any difference. A grasp of her breath. The touch of her hands. When all I want Is for us to be togeather. Togeather forever.
//Jezz 2009-02-24
This is rly confusing.. Sheesh I'm a mess.. Haha, well thats realy no surprise. An diffuse mind can only spread confusion. Can't remember when it was I had a grip of reality last time.. Seems like never. Looking forward, and I see a small glimmer of hope to get my act togeather.. How it will turn out? Well I will try to keep you posted. The few who read this.
Her tears are frozen in my mind. A frosty thought that I try to find.
Her eyes still watch me in my head Without them I'd feel dead.
The trouth that will be told. Has to wait, perhaps it's to bold?
Somehow I feel her presence. It's hard to form a sentence.
A simple song triggers the river of tears. Simple feelings that's about to drown.
Perhaps they are lost forever? Just let the tears find out.
While I'm locked within in siclence. There's no way I could cry less.
I cannot freeze my sorrow. I'll always be drowning in tears.
How can I trade you my heart for your innocent love?
-Jezz 2009-02-21
"Bröllopsresa: första försöket att fly från äktenskapets verklighet." "Honeymoon: the first try to escape the reality of marriage" - August Strindberg Perhaps, tho it kinda sounds like a statement from someone who haven't felt true love.
Napoleon Bonaparte wore a read shirt in battle so that his troops wouldn't see if he got wounded, since that might lower their morale. Hitler wore brown pants........
This is just another thought. Another blur. Is there rely a mening for me in this world? Still I lure in darkness. Afraid to come out. Well, perhaps not afraid.. I just don't wanna be here anymore So sick & tired of it all. I want to.. Correction.. I NEED to relocate, this is redicilous. Or rather sad. That I didn't realise this sooner.. Why stay at a place where ya can't feel truly at home? I need to get over the obstacles, get over the walls. Swim across the great sea, and only then can I be set free.. Is there anyone out there that will join me? Hah, not that many realise what I'm going through, well its understandable since I'm on purpose being a mystery. This is over & out for now.
This is a guest entry written by my friend Älvöga.
To survive
"To survive is to face the dark thoughts every day" This is my mantra when darkness finds its way under my skin.
Those days when there is no light to be seen
Those days when my mind back stabs every happy and joyful thought
Those days when I fall into the dark and chaotic empty pit oh loneliness
To survive those days you need to be strong not to give in to pain and try to face the terror of the world. When you are under the spell of chaos nothing else matters: Your boy/girl friend could go to hell, your parents kills you with every comment they make, you don't even care if you live or die those days
All you want is that chaos will loose its grip on your soul so you can be free- so you can move on.
I'm still here fighting not to give in to pain and chaos
I'm still here facing an empty pit of loneliness every day I wake up
I'm still here not giving in to the terror of destruction and that is much thanks to my friends
My friend are those who reminds me that life is worth to live. They give me strength to carry on, to fight the the terror of darkness lonliness and chaos. I'm happy that I have friends like Jezz, Phoenix and J they do check in on me from time to time and they help me to aise my spirits, to survive
A little tough that time, will make an easyer one some day in the future..
Somehow I can't let this song go, it always pops up into my thoughts. I sometimes even sing it for myself at work.. Probably have mentioned it before in my blog. Tho it can never be spoken enough about.
Like a gingerbread cookie in my hand, easy to crush. Can't both keep and eat. It feels like however I chooce, the choice is wrong. Oh so wrong. Why can't all the wrongs in my life end up in at least one right? Why oh why, can't someone help me end this miserable life? And no, not end as in end completely, I mean end as in change it for the better.
Where the whinter night ends. My being sits here & pretends. That everything is fine. No pain, no crime. I realy dont mind.
Just tought forever was much longer then this. That it was going to be much more then that last kiss. However I feel, however I think. You will always be missed. An eternety of error. A lifetime of labor. Just to correct what I did wrong. Still whistle our song. With a dagger in my heart. Hiding in the dark.
//Jezz 2008-12-26
On another topic however. I thought I would give you guys & girls a challenge.. The rules are quite easy... Find the name of the artist/band/group/whatever and songtitle just from my short quote.. The quote can be just a few words. A complete sentence, or big chunk of the song and perhaps a comment, a clue or just me yapping on. However, try not to google the lyrics it will spoil the fun.. When you think you got the right answer, just write a comment, with number & hopefully the correct answer. As for example: 1. Black Sabbath -Paraoid 2. Metallica - One
and so on.. The correct answers will be presented in next blog entry. Good luck.
Here we go, the general topic for today is:
"Songs that could have saved my life"
1. This is my long time favourite track now, been mentioned before in previous blog entrys. " Follow the light and you´ll never return"
2. A wonderful old style tale that makes me weep within every time I hear it. " I would have given my life but you've taken my soul"
3. With a nearly unique style this artist stole my heart & soul. "I want to mix our blood And put it in the ground So you can never leave"
4. This could be one of the reasons why I don't drink. "When I'm drunk I miss you so When I drink I think of you."
5. This is a rahter long quote, and it speaks for itself. " When I realized you weren't returning I grew so sad that I forgot about myself Fighting sickness to the point of dying Never realizing what I had become A faded thought that keeps on living"
That's it for now. Good luck. This is no hitlist/toplist, just randomly selected.
Well, I no longer know what to do with my life, seems like I'm on a raft floating in the ocean. Don't know where I'm heading, don't know if I will live long enough to see the shore. But, as for now, I'm still trying to get some wind into my tiny little sail. And hope that the currents help me back to safety.
I Wish things could be different. But will someone listen?
Night moonlight, shadows meadow. Out of touch, out of luck. Sing a song for the ravens. They invite you to heaven. Forever enslaved in their might Never give you spite.
As music shall be, warm and soft. Kind on the ears. Just like a busom, just calls you to be near.
Chamber - The Paper Hearted Ghost (Imagine it preformed with bagpipe in background and in old Irish singing style) Your skin was as white as the fresh fallen snow your eyes where so bright with a promising glow your lips red as roses and your hair black as coal I would have given my life but you've taken my soul There was nothing on you a man wouldn't admire my heart made of paper and you've been playing with fire
I think I will never know why you chose me but I know that I'm not the man I used to be you knew you're my queen without realm without crown just one look from you turned my world upside down You didn't want a piece of me, you took the entire my heart made of paper and you've been playing with fire
Your heart was so hungry and I was the feed but soon you ate your fill and now I must bleed you loved me forever but just for a while you've broken my heart and my life with a smile I'd never have dreamt of you being a liar my heart made of paper and you've been playing with fire
I told you that I couldn't live without you you promised redemption it proved to be true you shortened my suffering with a long knife first she'd taken my love then she'd taken my life where we loved each other my bed was my pyre my heart made of paper and you've been playing with fire
Now I'm hunting the land I'm prowling around or so many years I've been searching but found not a trace, I confess it's unfortunately true I should be ashamed but I still do love you There still is this damned so called burning desire my heart made of paper and you've been playing with fire
Now you know my name as my story's exposed now you know why they call me the paper-hearted ghost
Will find a link to this song. It has to be heard. The lyrics are wonderful (as you probably have noticed your self if you read this).
Under the stairs and beyond your horizon There lives a creature that wants to be free Under your skin and beneath the dark water There ascends a shining light secretly
Ah there is blood on the horizon Ah and the flood comes in from the sea Ah and a storm behind your eyes and Ah there is no one left to see Me
Stay where you are don't give way to your hunger Shivering you stand there, it makes you yearn For what lies hidden a phantasmagoria Follow the light and you´ll never return
Ah there is blood on the horizon Ah and the flood comes in from the sea Ah, and a storm behind your eyes and Ah there is no one left to see Me
Nothing more to say. This song made me cry. So deep so.. so... wonderful..
Tired of it all, nothings right nothings wrong. Sedated, deprecated. Nothing less then hated. Nothing more then life have created.
Fading heart, dying art. Longing just to hear you talk. Hear you breathing in the dark. Carry your mark.
Whenever I'm alone, you're still on your throne. Making me suffer, dying alone. Deprives me of my sleep. Makes my soul weep.
Forever scared, forever with this scars in my soul. They start to bleed when I realize I'm all alone. They grow wider, they grow deeper. No more rest, no more sleep now.
Afraid I'll drown in emotional blood. If I close my eyes, it flows like a flood. Just as the water falls. Just as my inner self calls.
I'm dying alone, within these walls. No one cares, no one calls. Inside this skin, its all so dark. It's all so wrong.
-Jezz 2008-08-24
Interpret it as you like, it's rely not that bad. Promise. And yes some still call, you few know who you are. It's not a question of "not calling" its a question of longing for "the right call". So no hard feelings huh? Well, so many days, so many weeks, so many months have passed.. Yet it feels like everything just remains the same. I want out of this vacuum. Can't hope, nor trust that someone else will come and help me with that, I know... Yet still I'm longing for that someone.. Strange isn't it?
This is an old classic that have kept me alive longer then I'm willing to admit.. Enjoy.
Scorpions - When The Smoke Is Going Down
Lyrics: Music: Rudolf Schenker Lyrics: Klaus Meine
Just when you make your way back home. I find some time to be alone. I go to see the place once more. Just like a thousand nights before. I climb the stage again this night. cause the place seems still alive. When the smoke is going down.
This is the place where I belong. I really love to turn you on. Ive got your sound still in my ear. While your traces disappear. I climb the stage again this night. cause the place seems still alive. When the smoke is going down.
I climb the stage again this night. cause the place seems still alive. When the smoke is going down. When the smoke is going down. When the smoke is going down.
Spirit of a fallen past Free from sorrow, free from cares. A midnight tale of broken dreams. Nothing changes, or so it seems. Hidden tears, hidden screams.
In chilly shadow woods. She hid her self from the gods. Only to dance in secret with empty rooms. Shivering cold, like tombs.
Until ritual of release, she'll bow down on her knees. Thank the spirit within, get rid of the vermin. So enlightened with the summer sky above. Release the black shadows, send then back home.
Moonspell - Magdalene
Lyrics: Have you ever loved a woman who should be that little intruder in the one that you should be
Share the snake with us, swallow the snake (for) us...
Have you ever loved a woman who instead of give or take would seduce you with a trade
Share the snake with us, swallow the snake (for) us...
You have learnt heaven through impure lips so different from what you have been told so different from what you have seen
and now that you learnt you will have to release the tender arms of a woman which would have strangled you to let you live you will have to elect (choose) the fainting arms of this cross which are just killing you to let you live...
Share the snake with us, follow the snake with us...
Yes it is, but even if you think you finally found "the one and only"... Never be sure, since: Life's just one new obstacle after another.. Sometimes you fall over, sometimes you run through, and in some rare occasions ya manage to jump over.. But when you have fallen several times in a row, life seems hard. However, I like to qote from the movie "Galaxy Quest", it fits in so well at this state in life, when it all seems so bad, you don't think there's ever a solution - "Never give up! Never Surrender!".
Where the angels and demons meet.
I'm so much worse.
Is it to much to ask?
I lost my wings.
Cowered with shame.
Searched through the snow.
I want everything I could need.
Heres looking at you beautiful.
Frozen
Here are the correct answers to the little "test":
Like a gingerbread cookie in my hand, easy to crush. Can't both keep and eat. It feels like however I chooce, the choice is wrong. Oh so wrong. Why can't all the wrongs in my life end up in at least one right? Why oh why, can't someone help me end this miserable life? And no, not end as in end completely, I mean end as in change it for the better.
Well, I no longer know what to do with my life, seems like I'm on a raft floating in the ocean. Don't know where I'm heading, don't know if I will live long enough to see the shore. But, as for now, I'm still trying to get some wind into my tiny little sail. And hope that the currents help me back to safety.
Tormented wild soul.
Yes it is, but even if you think you finally found "the one and only"... Never be sure, since:
