My empty world of thoughts. "I Am, and always will be my own thinking soul.
But i dont feel well, if I'm not allowed to belong to someone else." -Jezz 990708
Well, I've been kinda semi-away for a while... And I think that there's a plan, not sure of how it will look like yet... The solution might involve me moving to a bigger city. That or moving to a bigger apartment. And since I refuse to move into another apartment, that only means that I have to get a house to move into. Not sure yet how it will be... But changes has to be made around here if I will ever be able to get my life sorted out.
In other news, I've managed to get one of my friends interested in getting a HTC (Dopod) mobile phone, have to chat with my friend 'mcutecat' about that as soon as she comes online again. Sheesh these time difference.. And met a friend that I had wanted to meet up with for a long, I enjoyed the meeting & the places we visited among the way, and I hope she also had fun, hope to see you again soon. But then more "in person" then this first time.
You told me you where coming home. Told that all would be ours. That we would be free from cares. Together in each others arms. Forever tied up by your will. Never lost to wonder alone again. For this world was for us.
The promises made to last. The promise laid to grasp. Her voice so close to my ear. Forever in this bond my dear.
You told me you where not going to let me go. Told me our love never could be sold. That we would be forever. Never wanting to let go. Awaiting your every move. Longing for your joyful mood.
The promises made to last. The promise laid to grasp. Her voice so close to my ear. Forever in this bond my dear.
Your promises was never ment to last. You shed all kinds of darkness on our past. Your promises was never ment to last. You're forever to far away fro my grasp. Your promises was never ment to last. You're the original fake. Your promises was only made to brake.
You said that things would go well, instead you sent me to hell. Your promises was never ment to last. Never ment to last.
Hanging of this cliff close to mine. The arms to weak to climb. Thoughts raging blind. Lost my angel wings this time. Time only numbs my mind.
Your promises.... where never ment to last.... Forever you shed darkness on my past.
Well.... This afternoon didn't start as predicted... Why does life have to tease me? Isn't it enough that my world is in ruins and has been for over a year now? Cant something change to the positive for me just once? Or do I have to suffer like always, only feel a shimmer of hope only to get struck down again, plummeting downwards in this endless hole. They say, behave or you will go to hell, be good and come to heaven.... How can "they" be so sure that this world we live in now, isn't the very hell "they" spoke of? Just an endless line full of disappointments..
My Dark Angel
I Know what I want. I Know what I need. But this world wont let me be. Only lets me bleed. Only lets me pleed. Come save me please?!
Bah! Never again, never this pain. Everything remains the same. What keeps me sane? You perhaps? Or is it me? Or the thing inside of me? What will it be? Only time will get to see. Empty promises, empty hugs. Feels like I cant ever hug you enough. Cause there's no one there, ever to feel me here. Only thing left is my lost soul empty to wander someplace over there.
Empty heart, empty faces. Dying mind that keeps on fading. All these tears I hide. All these pain that I subside. I just can't stand all this agony this world provide. So I hide inside.
Failed, loved, and loured - my story.
How can I succeed in this mess? How can I end to bleed regress. If there's a way, it will wake my interest. If there's another way, out of this pest.
Can you let me make one wish? Let this dark angel arrive, and carry me away from this mess. Let here be notling left, nothing for anyone else to digest.
My dark angel. Wish I could give you all my love. Wish I could offer you my life. Wish I could be your's forever. Wish I could stay in your arms. Wish I could carry you with me in my heart. Wish I could be your world. Wish I could touch your beautiful soul. Wish I could be as beautiful as you. Wish I could surrender my life, give it all to you. My dark angel.
//Jezz 20080605
Type O Negative - My Girlfriend's Girlfriend
All for now, best regards from Ms Jezz to you all..
Betrayed This say it all. To leave the pictures on the wall. Forever plummet & fall. Seems like noone ever will hear your call.
You saw my hell. Promised no to tell. However you decided it was worth to sell. Threw me into the cell.
Betrayed my trust, aged chains covered in rust. Your eyes fooled me twice, you locked me in ice. Claimed my soul, lost all my goals. Shivering cold, halo embedded in gold. All my life is sold.
Longed for your touch. Now I don't feel much. Numb and out of reach. My figure in the mirror is bleached.
Blood flows through. Stings like acid tho. Thoughts black like a crow. Just want to get away from it all now.
Betrayed my trust, aged chains covered in rust. Your eyes fooled me twice, you locked me in ice. Claimed my soul, lost all my goals. Shivering cold, halo embedded in gold. All my life is sold.
//Jezz 20080601
Just trapped beneath this hidious shell.
Something is going on, I can feel it... Am just going insane not to know what the future will tell, or it's just that I'm going straight to hell..
This says it all:
Kosheen - Not Enough Love
Lyrics:
There's not enough, enough love Enough thought for anybody Tight as a drum Sharp as they come There's not enough love for anybody Say it, play it tough It's gonna be, it's gonna be Rough and ready when you're thrown into touch There's never enough love for anybody Not enough, enough love Enough thought for anybody Thight as a drum Sharp as they come There's not enough love for anybody Not enough love
Not enough love
There's not enough, enough love Enough thought for anybody Tight as a drum Sharp as they come There's not enough love for anybody Now it's down to us, not to rush Not to push it's fragile, carefully We fall into line, children first When it gets to us, there just isn't any Not enough love, enough love Enough thought for anybody Tight as a drum Sharp as they come There's not enough love for anybody Not enough love Not enough love
Lost Sanity Her eyes so clear, her voice so near. Whispering in my ear. Black darling, you will be my king. Black wedding, kiss me & seal with the ring.
Flesh torn from bone, her distant moan. Pale face in the mirror, staring at me. An empty face without trust. False darling, black halo around her neck. False darling, sticking daggers in my back.
You wished me well, now you wish me hell. I lost my sanity, I lost my dreams. You wished me well, now you wish me hell.
Red bright eyes, they sine in the night. Condemned to this life. Chains of pain, chains of past. Chains of claim, woun't keep me sane.
A distant sound, a infected wound. Distant face with a greedy grin - upon her face! Shady mistress, no lady in distress. Shady mistress, all that's left is regrets.
You wished me well, how you wish me hell. I lost my sanity, I lost my dreams. You wished me well, now you wish me hell.
You wished me well.. Wished me well.. Now you wish me hell.. Wish me hell..
Shape Me Shadows of a broken past. Empty chards of colored glass. Cutting my cold hard veins. Flowing tears that forever stains. Searing heartache that tidy remains.
I know what will remain with us. The narly clay that shapes my bust. Shape me! Shape me! A shallow figure in the mirror. That's not me.
Witches put their spell on me. Their words, echo within. Never to walk this earth again. Without the thorns in my brain. Without nothing to keep me sane.
I know what will remain with us. The narly clay that shapes my bust. Shape me! Shape me! A shallow figure in the mirror. That's not me.
There's something in the air.. I Got this strange feeling again.. Don't know where it comes from.. If I only knew, things would be a lot less difficult.
Hate the feeling in my spine, tells me somethings going on, something good, but I will loose that feeling & that opportunity forever. Escape from me, like it always does.. Can't let that happen again, since I've lost it to many times already.. :-(
Best movie evar: Josie & The Pussycats, released in 2001 Clip from the movie seen here: Josie & The Pussycats - Three Small Words
Of joy & sorrow my dear. You sit down there, shed your tears. Drown the world in a flood. Poison is within your blood. Addicted to your love. There's so many things, that has to be told.
To whoever that might care. Come to me if you dare. Nights alone I stare. This life isn't fare. Don't know how much more of this i can bare.
Of joy & sorrow my dear. You don't even know I'm here. Someday you might read, these words and shed a single tear. I just want to hold you near. Be there for you, with you, love you. My dear....
Of joy & sorrow... Of pain & rejoice... Of life & death... Until I get to see you again. Don't know what will remain....
-Jezz 20080504
Angelzoom - Fairyland
Explanation? Do you rely need one? Well, perhaps not all need that explanation, but I know there's at least a couple of ppl out there that will need to know why..
Simple rely.. There is a person in my general surroundings during the days, that I want to get to know more, alto our "life perception" differs, we might be a match.. Don't know that yet, therefor I have to get to get closer to this person. Have no idea of how that can be done.. Therefore I'm a mix of confusion at the moment.. Should I be bold and go for it? Or should I be patient? Since I'm an expert of being pessimistic, the only feeling that I get is: "It will not happen to me anyways"......... Why you might ask? Well, it's quite simple rely.. But however.. I can't revel it, the ones who need to know, well... They know it... This says some of it all.....
Lene Marlin - Unforgivable Sinner
I'm in what feels & seems to be an eternal fall downwards. My only hope is to finally stop this bad spiral so that I can start climbing upwards again, hopefully never to fall again.
Rotersand - One Level Down
Lyrics Awoke and found myself Lying on a wooden floor Thought this had come to an end I won't be shattered anymore But the floor slipped to the walls And had me crashing down again
One level down, another round, One battle lost, when will I reach the final ground? One level down, what have I found? Time and again I'm lying shattered on the ground
Where did I fail, did I go wrong? There is no crime I could confess I just keep tossing floor to floor - This must be purgatory's taste And as I fall I'm crying out "I do surrender" I know there is no end, no soil will ever hold me safe
Is this the only thing I can look forward to? The Grim Reaper, no I don't fear him, yet I don't want to meet him yet. Still so much incomplete, so much that I want to experience. A Life less lived, is A life wasted. Replace that figure in the mist. With what you desire, what you want in life. There's no return, there's no way back now. Look forward, move forward. "Never give up, never surrender" - Galaxy Quest I may be a tough person, where many would have given up, I still move on. Why you might ask? Don't rely got a good answer to that. But somewhere within, I know that this life will bring me something. All I have to do, is be patient, and move move on after each time I get pinned down. The 5 best things of my life so far:
Listening to music & that i got to watch Moonspell Live
My ex GF (even tho it ended in disaster).
My true few remaining friends.
The day I got my driverslicense.
Fishing with my dad.
The 5 worst things of my life at the moment:
The fact that I'm living alone.
My car needs to be repaired.
Never seem to get enough money for all expences.
The disaster mentioned above.
Feels like I'm trapped in this corner.
They say that when you die, you get to heaven.... But what if you're all ready dead, and this is hell? Well, think about it - theres temptation everywhere, everybody's more good looking then you, have better hair, skin or cimilar. We're surrounded by hell. Don't know what to believe, since it cant get any worse then this.
But, when your life's on the bottom, you can always consult this guy:
This is so annoying. This life is one disappointment after another. Seems like I'm not allowed to be happy. Not any longer then some hours at a time. Only to be struck down again. Over and over again. It's so tiering, don't want to be part of this anymore. Only want to be happy, share my life with someone that want to share their with mine. Just feels so hopeless, this constant hunt for something that feels so far away. Can I believe in destiny? Älvöga I need a prediction please! Can't stand to spend all this time in search for something that I can't be sure if it will ever happen.. :-P Seriously tho, my life remains the same. Work work work, eat sleep, work work work.. Hope there will be some positive changes during this week, but hoping will just make me more disappointed when nothing happens and it just begins all over again the next week.. Longing for the weekends, just to sit around doing nothing that matters. All by myself.
There's no other way to say this. But you sank your teeth in me, you stole my soul. Bled me dry, made me cry. All I ever wanted, was to see you happy. I't seemed so at first.
With tears like an angel, both pretty & sad. She was the beautiful one. But with her hungry eyes she told me lies. Now make me sleep.
I Offered you my hand. Only to loose everything I had. Just wanted to hold you, untill time stops again. But now I'm lost out here, forever this time.
Since I lost my soul, I cannot feel love again.
That you ever could make me sleep. That you ever could make me weep With tears like an angel. Both pretty & sad. She was the beautiful one. But with her hungry eyes she told me lies. Now make me sleep. Make me sleep. Make me sleep. Sleep.
//Jezz 20080331
(Img from Julia Jeffrey (couldn't find a way to contact you to ask for your permission to publish, but I hope it's ok)).
I Don't know where to go anymore, feels like I'm walking blind down a small lonely road. That's why I haven't updated the blog in quite some while. Sorry people, right now I just don't got enough energy, I feel completely drained of life. All I want is to brake this spiral. As for now, it just feels like I've struck rock bottom. Like a desert, all dry and empty. No life in sight. Awaiting rain, so life can grow again.
Ukulele Orchestra of GB - The Good the Bad the Ugly
"Look at you over There, Ripping the Sawdust from my Teddybear" - Alice Cooper
Sawdust In this sleepless night. All I wish is to hold you thight. Cuddle close, I woun't bite. Say you will, atlest say you might. Be with me, in this forsaken night.
Heavy thoughts could my mind. Hope it all will heal with time. I wish you will be that kind. That in your hart, you will find. To forgive my horrible crime.
You found me in your dreams. But you didn't love me as deep it seems. Now I face an eternal fight. With no hope left in sight. All of these sleepless nights.
So tired of this all. One minute it's all there, the next there's nothing more. Always a struggle. To keep my chin over the water. Yet something keeps pulling me down. An endless fight. An endless war. Yet life seems to be to far.
I Have no energy this week, sleep sleep, work work, sleep sleep, work work.. It never ends. Can't get out of bed in time so that I can update my blog, nor to do any household things that badly needs to be done, cleaning, washing and so on. It's am ess here. And I don't like it.. Still wonder where all my energy went? Felt at the end of last week like I was starting to gain some, but now it's all lost again. It's a mystery. Well, no time to write more, have to leave for work..
I'm lost without your love sorrounding my soul. I'm lost without your presence here with me. I'm lost without your smile towards me. I'm lost without your eyes looking my way. I'm lost without your hair through my hands. I'm lost without your skin next to mine Ether way I try or do, I'm still lost without you.
-Jezz 20080311
I'm so tired of this feeling inside. Tired of it all. Nothing will ever be the same, I know that. But that it would bee my fault wasn't planned or my intention. Somehow I always screw things up for myself. Why, oh why? Things just keep on repeating. Over and over again. With the horrible pain fallowing in my path. This empty soul, needs to be full.. I'm doubting that it will ever be filled, not with my luck... With my luck, I'd just have to settle for a small cottage deep inside the woods. Alone, betrayed & depressed. Can't lie anymore. Cant deny it ether.. I need someone, just dont know where to find her, whoever she is.
Over & out, //Jezz
Blutengel - A Little Love
Lyrics:
Feeling like a little child. Crying out for his mother. I'm sitting here alone, And i miss you so much. The funny thing is, I don't know who you are. This feeling inside, Will slowly kill me, Someday.. I don't know when, This feeling will go away. I wash away my tears, 'Cause I don't want nobody to see me cry. I can't help myself, As long as I don't know who you are. This empty space inside my soul, Is the place for you. But I realise in every night, It will be empty forever.
Plummeting downards. No where in sight. Lost the will to fight. The night prevailed, covered my life in shadow.
Wish there could be, any love in this life. Yet sorrow holds my heart, filling it with despise.
Flashes of hope. Neglect my thoughts. Crimson colored. Always in my heart, she was my only thought.
Wish there could be, any love in this life. Yet sorrow holds my heart, filling it with despise.
Flashes of searing pain. Needles flowing through veins. A beating heart Pulsating in the dark. More machine, then anything.
I Miss you my love, whoever you are. Just wish I knew, who could love me? There are indeed, way to few.
-Jezz 20080310
The Crüxshadows - Dragonfly
Lyrics:
"Don't ask me to surrender" Her voice fell tired and spent "My hopes and dreams, a silent heart I carry here within"
her outstretched wings, left tattered A sail aged with rust "a breath in time, that's yours and mine... it belongs to only us."
And I will write her name and cast it to the sky silhouettes recede into a mother's tearful eyes a host of angels clamor to her side a light dissolves to kiss the wind, release the dragonfly.
See the rose within the field of white She's searching for the grail but the rain descends to snatch the light from distant dying suns a faint resounding in the night calls angels wings to beat singing silent lip-sewn songs but the distance is too deep...
And I will write her name and cast it to the sky silhouettes receded into a mother's tearful eyes a host of angels clamor to her side a night dissolved to kiss the wind release the dragonfly
And I will write her name and cast it to the sky as precious moments will slip away in time angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die but tonight, my love, ascend the gates, release the dragonfly
sometimes angels fall, but love will never die "tonight my soul is something more" - calls the dragonfly."
Speechless and blind, thoughts screaming in my mind.
Remember never to do this one more time. Always hurts more when it's a crime.
Will not fall into this trap again, need to keep sane. She was a demon who kept me trapped with pain. Nothing will ever be the same again.
Speechless and blind, thoughts screaming in my mind.
All I wish is that i could make it all rewind. Try it all over just one more try.
Just want someone the help me with my life. Perhaps even to be my wife? Still no one have heard my cries.
-Jezz 2008.03.07
In this case, the beast killed the beauty. Unfortunately.. Time will tell if the beast only killed another beast to create a beauty. The story will go on.
This could be me... If I was pretty that is.. But still close.. Like the blue hair color. Brings out the eyes more. If it was possible. I Feel.... Something... Don't know what it is yet.. Will try to find out.. Is there someone out there that sends me energy that I do not know off? I'm not used to this, so be careful. - Or in another case, it might just be my searing back pain that's worse then usual projecting pain through my weakened soul. Sweet nothing. Then I See her face, only to be gone without a trace. Empty memories, empty faces. Everywhere I go there's fences.
Angry men pointing, laughing. Telling me to go places. Depressed and tired, I only stare at their stupid faces.
She crawled inside my brain, there you will remain. Untill I'm finally sane. Free of all this pain.
-Jezz 2008.03.06
Over & out for mow, sleep well.. I know I wount.. //Jezz
