My empty world of thoughts. "I Am, and always will be my own thinking soul.
But i dont feel well, if I'm not allowed to belong to someone else." -Jezz 990708
Blind as a bat. I Can see, but still discover nothing. I Can read, but still don't learn anything.
Searching through life. Without anything in sight. Tremble ahead as I crawl. Slowly beside the wall.
/Jezz 2010-01-29
Curse "the trolls" that keep me awake. Curse my crappy life, that gives the trolls something to feed on.. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see the post "The Trolls" I want to get out of here. Get out of this concrete shell. Break down those walls, ANYTHING! Please I can't stand this much longer. Give me a job dangit! A new place to be, a new start. But nooooo another situation when life comes and bites me straight in the ass! At lest I can find some comfort in reading about other peoples misfortune at www.fmylife.com
I am cursed. By the acing in my soul. As for the lost time. Wither slowly from within.
A Life with a never ending pain. To loose hope, perhaps to never find it again. Only one candle left to burn out. Before the darkness comes.
/Jezz 2010-01-27
Why cursed? Well yes, I strongly believe that I am.. Nothing, and then I truly mean NOTHING is going my way. I've even started to refer my life as "MLS", which is short for "My Life Sucks". Don't worry, I still can enjoy some brief moments when I can laugh, enjoy a movie, or enjoy a nice day... However, I always hurt inside.. I've just become rely good at hiding it. It seems like an ordinary day cant pass without SOMETHING messing it up.. Even such a simple thing as tossing away something into the trash... I lean in, toss it in, the trash bounces off the bin and onto the floor, often somewhere where its annoying to get hold of. I pick it up, toss it again, it STILL bounces off.. This usually ends up in a very, and then I mean VERY pissed off Jezz, if I where anything like Bruce Banner I'd be a raging she-hulk within nanoseconds. That's my life in a nutshell, everything from small things to large things MUST go wrong. Not intentionally by me, but it just seems like the world is against me.. Within this misery I try thinking about the Karma perspective, do good things and good things will happen.. I've been trying to be as good as I can but STILL there's no actual reward. Or I might have gotten the reward, I'm just to blind to see it.. So if it means that "Karma" is punishing me, what have I done wrong? I can't think of anything that's been done within the last year that can have to make me suffer as much as this. No job, no money, no life.
No I'm not an EMO self cutting mano-depressive crazy chick. Sure sometimes it feels like ending it would be the easy answer.. Tho there are some bastards out there that would enjoy it to much. And I sure don't wanna give em that pleasure, plus the fact that I actually want to know where I can get in life. I'm not "dead stuck" yet, but it sure feels VERY annoying at the moment.
I know that I've been lazy updating my blog, I will try to do it more often.. The general reason why it's not been updated in long is lack of inspiration. I simply don't feel that I've got something to share. As I use to refer my life towards myself, in three letters, "MLS" as in "My Life Sucks". No point in having you, the few ppl that actually read my blog, plow through my misery. Yes I sound miserable & depressed, and yes I am, but my life aren't all bad. Tho a incomplete life is a life wasted in my eyes.. And since I can't do jack & shit, and jack left town about it, I'm sorta stuck in life.. I could take some time to develop this but that would take long and I don't wanna bore you. At the moment my life is in boxes, some workers have been in my apartment doing some conversion work for the heating, they are still not done and there's not any point in unpacking unless they are finished. Which will be in 6 to 8 weeks...
Now to a more serious (?) matter, since I'm not interested in any sport (especially watching sports on TV), many ppl way to often ask me if "I know when/where the next match is" which I find VERY annoying.. I don't like sports, and I sure don't annoy ppl by asking about thinks they don't like.. At my former work EVERYONE automatically assumed that everyone is interested and of course know when and where the next game is.. Even tho I explained to them several times that I don't care and never will. To get me to watch football for ex, they would have to dig down ~10 landmines at random to make the game more interesting, and not just a bunch of ppl chasing after a ball back & forth.. Tennis, make the ball explosive at random impact so u never know when it will go off.. Hockey, electrify the pads so they admin random electrical impulses to players, that would be fun to watch.. In general, sure I can admit, you need some kind of skill to be successful, however especially in team sports, it's also a huge amount of random luck. I would like to see two equally matched teams play two games, with as short time in between only to see that the result can vary even if its the same teams playing, it's just a matter of who got the "flow" that day. I might be morbid in that way, tho there's no interest for me to watch.. Much more point in participating your self then to just be an idle bystander.
