*Scream*

Trapped inside this prison, almost beyond reach. Is there any way to feel free? Not at this moment I'm afraid. But surley I awaite what the future holds.


Todays Treat:

Mylene Farmer - Fuck Them All




Lyrics:

"Nature is changing
Breathing as they lie
In a destructive way
Nature is a killer

During the good times
So much success
For the man who has behind him
A mistress who's busy

Making for themselves an empire
Blood and tear
Making love to Marie
Blood and tear
And Marie is a martyr
Blood and tear
On the wall our sighs

Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, our vices reversed
Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, bleed our hell
Fuck them all!
Blood and soul!
We'll go soft on paper
Blood is sex!

With an innocent nature
They handle elegance
A double-edged sword pierces us
The words too verbose
nothing but rhetoric!
The usual cowardice
That makes us warriors

Make for themselves an empire
Blood and tear
Make love to Marie
Blood and tear
And Marie is a martyr
Blood and tear
On the wall our sighs

Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, our vices reversed
Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, bleed our hell
Fuck them all!
Blood and soul!
We'll go soft on paper
Blood is sex!

Hey bitch, you're not on the list
You witch! You suck! You bitch!
They said
Hey bitch, you're not on the list
You witch! You suck! You bitch!
They said
Hey bitch, you're not on the list
What's your name again ?

Hey bitch, you're not on the list
You witch! You suck! You bitch!
Hey bitch, you're not on the list
Hey bitch, you're not on the list
You bitch, you're not on the list
You witch! You suck! You bitch!

Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, our vices reversed
Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, bleed our hell
Fuck them all!
Blood and soul!
We'll go soft on paper
Blood is sex!

FUCK THEM ALL !
FUCK THEM ALL !
FUCK THEM ALL !
BLOOD AND SOUL !
FUCK THEM ALL!"

Afraid.

Strange how we are constantly encuraged to be ourselves - yet we are still afraid to show who we realy are?
Who am I to complain on another person's sexuality? Just about as much as someone has the "right" to complain to me about mine. Sounds easy and not that complicated? Everything is so much easyer just by talking or thinking about it, doing - now there we have something completly different.
Things might have been a lot better if it had been official a long time ago? I dont know, and ohnestly I dont want to think about it neather.
Instead I hide, shadowing myself from the world, the people that realy need to know, to be able to help. I can never be healed as long as my life stays like this.
How come we fear to be ourselves? Why is it so hard? It's just words? It's just one world, one life. It have to get worce before it can get any better as far as i know - well about now I've reached rock bottom. Lets see if there's a way out.

---

Metallica - The Unforgiven

---

Metallica - Unforgiven II

Forever silenced

My world my pain trapped inside, trouth will never surface. The people that have done bad things get away with it, while i get scared for life, and even more silent in my torture of what's called life.

I'm sorry that i dont write more often, there isn't enough energy for me to do so as things are right now. I wish i could.
I am num, almost dead inside, sure i walk, breatheand look quite alive/happy, that couldn't be far more from the trooth.. If you dont know anything of why, I want it to stay that way.

I never wanted it to be this way, it wasn't completely my choice. How odd it may sound.

---

Anathema - Empty

" Empty vessel under the sun wipe the dust
From my face another morning black Sunday
Coming down again empty vessel empty veins
Empty bottle wish for rain that pain again
Wash the blood off my face the pulse from
My brain and I feel that pain again

I'm looking over my shoulder 'cos millions
Will whisper I'm killing myself again maybe
I'm dying faster but nothing ever last I
Remember a night from my past when I was
Stabbed in the back and its all coming
Back and I feel that pain again

I abhor you I condemn you 'cos this pain
Will never end you got away without a
Scratch and now you're walking on a lucky
Path I have to laugh but you'd better watch your back

There's pathetic opposition they're the
Cause of my condition ill be coming back
For them I've a solution for this sad
Situation nothing left but to kill myself
Again because I'm so empty"

Naptime?

Mylene Farmer - C'est une belle journée
(English translation of lyrics song title "Its A Beautiful Day")


Laying down, the body is dead,
For Thousands it is a man who sleeps,
Half full, is the amphoria,
Yet half empty, it is seen so effortlessly
To see life, from one angle (literally: the tail side of a coin)
Oh philosophy, speak to me of elegies.
Happiness, it frightens me,
To have so many desires,
And my heart murmurs, so ...

(Chorus)

It's a beautiful day,
I'm going to bed,
Such a beautiful day, that is ending,
Gives one the desire to love, but, I'm going to bed,
To sink my teeth into eternity,
It's a beautiful day,
I'm going to bed,
Such a beautiful day, so regal,
Gives, A desire for peace,
To see angels at my feet, but,
I'm going to bed, to make myself beautiful ...

Laying down, the body is dead,
For Thousands it is a man who sleeps,
Half full is the amphoria,
Yet half empty, is how I still see it,
All is said, since when it comes to love,
When things get heavy,
If the heart is light, the elegies flow, always,
The pleasures, those that last, those that don't,
You see my love,
I'm out of breath, you see...

(Chorus)

Beautiful,
Life is beautiful
Like a wing,
That one should not crease,
Beautiful,
Life is beautiful,
And I go there,
Beautiful,
Life is beautiful,
But mine ...
Her, I enter her,
Mortal one, go... (nuance: be free)

(Chorus)

Whats there to say?

Can you love someone without eaven knowing how she looks? Can you feel something diffrent with her if its so?
How do I know if you do want me for who I really am? The nutcase of flesh that in fact gesture 'me'. "The Figure In The Mirror's Not Me" has it's true meaning here.

L'âme Immortelle - Figure In The Mirror



Bad live video, but the lyrics are:

" Every time you put this mask on your face
A little piece of your soul dies away

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

What I feel and what I see
I do through eyes of an enemy
Forced by powers pushing me
Resulting in fear and misery

I change myself to fit the needs....
During this Mutation my heart bleeds
Trying to adjust to Society
Not anymore I want to be free

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

Only a few could break the shell
Surrounding my soul's polluted well
Drink from it and you will see
All the pain that rests in me

It's like Pandora's box
With a number of haunted locks
The one who sees deep inside
knows all the feelings I do hide

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

Once you took a look inside of me
You decide between joy and misery
If you abuse the things you know

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee"

---

There are not much to say, I'm a fraud within myself, a lie if you want. I dont deserve any diffrent treatment then anyone else. I just wish I could be me.



I don't belong here..... But?.... Where do I belong then? Can anyone tell me beafore I'm going insane?

Hold your darling.

Sorry Wing, but this song and this video are for me artwork, the blood dont disturb me when it's art. The beauty in it all, is the lyrics, they tell a tale beyond the red liquid. I hope you can oversee this video, but I reccomend that you atleast read the lyrics, altho without the music the lyrics falls a bit to much out of place.

I have lost my words, lost my hope. All that is needed to be told is in this song, these lyrics. Altho you might have to be logged in (and above 18) to watch this video.

:Wumpscut: - Hold
(Fan video)


Time, your time
It fades away
I feel, my time
My life, runs out

So hold, you darling
Your darling, in your arm
Because, it leaves
Very soon, soon

Dance, agian
With me, and we
Will find, and end
For al,l I call

Leaving

This might be

All things aren't as they seem, people aren't what they appear to be. Experience this to many times and you loose all hope in mankind. Dont ask me why, dont ask me how, I wount awnser.
I miss my cat, my Kitty. Trying to move on, but who can ever fill her shoes? Hard to explain thisone also, there is just to much pain involved. Hope is all that is left.

Yes I want to be pretty. Strange how you always want to look like someone else, have another haircolour, have a better life. Im a sucker for the goth look, even if I'm blonde myself.

That's all for now.

Music

Thankfully I've got my music, without it there is no reason to exist. It's the only thing that keep me sane right now. How sad it might sound.. Well, even if i didn't have my music i would still stay among the living, if not only to bug the crap out of some of ya'll.

Even if every tune of every song that I listen to erminds me of my once so beloved shadowy figure in this world. I cant help myself from going there like a bee to honey.. I must feel what I once felt, the last time when I got to hold you in my arms. The thing that hurts the most, is that it isn't you that I can hold in my arms like you promised, like I hoped. I gave you my life, my secrets, my soul.. And you had to turn your back.... I just want to cry.. And believe me I do, safley inside where noone can se my pain, my loss, my grief. There was nothing I could have done, eaven if you might think so my dear.. It feels like you lost your love cause you might have thought that there still was something that I could have done diffrent. Someday you will understand that there was no way for me to do that.

"I'm crawling past my younger years, shedding all of my biggest tears.
Loosing everything that I once had in mind, when it yet was so close to find."
-Jezz -071105

Hungry Lucy - Stay

I come through the door
You're not sitting by the table
Anymore
I look away
Can't hold this image in my mind
I wish I was blind
To the hope your face will bring

Why should I
Keep this guilt wrapped up in chains
Pain again
'Cause my heart's not made that way
We can be
Just as close if I am far away
Love you enough
To stay ... to stay

Oceans of love
Fill my empty heart
And I wonder
Would it always be the same
Carry me inside
These feelings will not die
You'll be with me forever

Why should I
Keep this guilt wrapped up in chains
Pain again
'Cause my heart's not made that way
We can be
Just as close if I am far away
Love you enough
To stay ... to stay

Why should I
Keep this guilt wrapped up in chains
Pain again
'Cause my heart's not made that way
We will be
Just as close though I am far away
I loved you enough
To stay ... to stay

Forever...

Couldn't agree more.

No will

I'm sorry, the few of you who actually read my blog have probably noticed that I haven't updated in a long while. The trouth is, there are no strength, no energy left for me anymore. I cant keep on updating this blog since got nothing to write about accept my pain, my worries, my enclosed world. That can be ok for a while, but now you're just getting bored with my crap, my pain, my shit.
I't feels like it doesent matter if I update it or not, since there are so few ppl reading it anyhow. To you true readers I thank you for your time that you have put into reading my blog, and especially a big thanks to you people who actually took your time to post some comments, most appriciated.

Give me a reason to write on when life time after time kills your spirit & takes away your will to live.

Have I realy

I thought I was yource forever, but now you are making me a fool. I'm sorry for loving you, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I gave you my heart and all you did was to throw it on the ground and step on it. Sorry, but that's how it feels. I kept my promise, my part of the deal. I hope you will understand that one day.

One

"One candle left to burn now, beafore the darkness comes."


Build a bird out of a feather wount be easy my dear. But thats all i got left.

He is comming to get me, when this is over, if I am left alone.

---

I am letting the images talk, dont have my thoughts in line. No words can express my pain, my fear. Most likley will my heart, my soul, take another scaring tomorrow. Forever engraved deep in the flesh inside of me. Oh how I wish it can be us two. But you unfortunatly have destroyed my hope for now.
Altho I will keep my promise to you!

Thoughts

The thoughts keep me awake. Thoughts of you. How I miss your touch. How i miss to hold you in my arms. To smell your hair, hide my face in your neck.. To taste your skin. Loose myself in your beautiful eyes, I am nothing compared to you'r grace. I cant imagine a life without you, my feelings are to strong for you. Eaven when I sin infront of the spirits, I cant stop myself from thinking of you.

I truly do miss you. Many <3 to you.

---

Without my wings I'm stranded, I dont know who took em, but I do know who can give them back to me.

Time to get back, time to try to sleep again. Will this insomnia never end?

Operation

Operation buildup hopefully begins on wensday. Scrabble up the ashes of my so called life, grabbing nail and hammer & get to work.

Rebuilding will take time, and hopefully I can get some support & help from the few friends thats left. I dont expect much tho..

True, true..

Today im lazy, its weekend dangit! Give me a brake, this image says todays statement clearly. Enjoy.

Relentless

This wait is relentless, and I'm sick of this life. I Just wanna scream. How could this happen to me??
Nothing lef to do, but to grab the bulls horns and see what happens. Not far left now..

Only a few candles left to burn now.

All my entrys seems to be the same, somehow I dont find that strange since it feels like every day is the same, same guilt same fear, same panic flowing over me.


Cant take this much longer. Only reason I kep on fighthing is you my dear, hence I'm still here longing.

Completely....

I am going completely mad. Everything I see reminds me of you. I dont dare to stop, and see for sure, if its true. My heart stops every time, numbing me from head to toe. Every image I have, remids me of you. Have to restrain myself from crying. I dont know what to do if I loose you. You're the only one that ment this much to me, I just want you to know that.
Forever will a big chunk of my heart belong to you, unregarding if you want it or not.

Kisses to you my dear, I will always hold you near.

Longing....

I'm longing for my princess or angel to come and save me, save me from ths world of agony and pain. Where she stands I do not know. The world seems to crumble around me. Untill there's nothing left to see.

My only hope is to keep eyes forward, and walk up straight. Even tho I might get cought in a stinbeling fall that will never end.

---

If this doesen't end well, my Kitty wount have much more then a shallow grave left to watch of what once was me.I will be gone, dont know how, dont know where, but i cant stay here.
The only things that frightens me, is that my Kitty will do the same as this last picture.. Only hope i stil got.

"Please my dear, dont leave me here. All Alone by myself, with nothing left to do, but to blame my actions in the past. The only thing i wanted was for this to last.
Forever my dear, forever I promised. And im still keeping that promise.
For as long as you want me I am yours."
-Jezz -07

Agonizing

They say pictures say more then a thousand words... Well see for yourself if you can decipher what I want to tell by these pictures.

Don't ask me to explain, you wount understand half of the words i would type in that case.

Figurine

Mostly the hours just tick on by, nothing special about that. But so far this week has been painfully slow. 30 minutes feels like two hours or more. Only to see that the clock almost doesn't move at all.

Black collar around my neck, the silver studs shine so to tell others to back away. Leash to a firm stedy hand, "Common darling, lead me away to some other land.".

Will things ever be the same again? Or will I still have to hide away, never to be seen again?

Broken

Dark nights passes by. Never a day goes without it makeing me cry. I'm not sheding any tears, its all hidden deep inside.

Every entry in this bloging feels like the same thing over and over again.
This isn't me, i promise. Dont knwo what else to write about since there's not much interesting things that are happening in my life atm, as I've written beafore - right now I live in a nothinges, a vaccuum just trying to get by.. Things will get better i hope, but i cannot be sure of that as for now, only time will tell, fortunatly there aren't that long time left now before i will know how things will be in the future. For better or for worce. I will continue struggling for as long as i have the energy.

---

And for you who think I'm an angel, here's the proof that it's not so.

You Are 94% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. (Don't know that many people as for now anyhow.) The devil is even a little scared of you! (He'd better be for when i arrive!)

How Evil Are You?

Wonderful silence

Slowly it gets darker, the leaves fade to yellowish colours, the day fades away.

Is there any way to convince someone that they are wonderful, beautiful, and the greatest just the way they are? If there is I'd like to know it. Seems like all words i say just flows right through. That disturbs me.. Why oh why, does everything i try, always away from me fly? (Bad rhime i know)

Enjoy todays picture, i sure did. And rimember, you ARE beautiful, eaven if you dont want to believe so yourself.

Friday

Yes, finally friday, a day of inner peace. Sit back, enjoy your poinson (coffee, thé, whine, beer for ex). I prefer to stick to my fizzy water. And perhaps a couple of glasses of milk. ;-P
A time to be myself, and a fade effort to find my inner self.. I know i wount succeed... yet.. But i enjoy the rest, the time to pet my cat. And perhaps do some tours. I wish I didn't live in an apartment, I want someone to share a house with, share a life.. I thought that was what i had, now.... there's noone who knows. To be continued so to speak. The only thing that keeps my hope up, is that I'm keeping my promise, as well as I hope it's kept from the other side.

Sorry Wing, but I like that picture above, it had to be posted.
So this next picture is a bit easyer for your eyes.. ;-)

Trapped

Well, handcuffs... It's nice. When used the right way... I got a pair... The most important person on the earth left them here. Sometimes i just take them out, and hold them, feel them. Longing.

Soulstone

A stone. Green in colour, mystical, and powerful. I can sence you when i gently caress it. I sence that you feel many feelings cimilar to mine. What I do not know, is how you feel about me. My feelings for you are still strong. I can not doubt them, as well as I wount ignore them. I'm here for you, always my dear. As long as you want me..
Just hope you feel that to.
I have always worn your stone, i wanted something from you to always stay near to me, always as close to my skin as possible.

---

Much things going on wich i cant controll.. On the other hand there's no way for me to control them eaven if I wanted to. The only thing to do is to try to stay awake, and focus on what's important, even tho the lack of energy.

One thing is comming to an end soon... I cant say that it's something that I want to do. But it's a must. There's no way to get past it without any scars. I just hope that it will be done with the least pain for any of us, only thing i hope, is that you still love me as deep as I still love you. Otherwise all of this life will be nothing worth anymore.

Sorry Wing, but since I'm an fallen angel, theres a need to show this last image for todays entry.
And thank you Älvöga, without you'r support there would be no way for me to survive. Thanks for being out there..

---

"Wenn er ihr Fleisch mit seinem menschlichen Körper verschlungen hat,
dann ist er in der Lage das Tor zur Hölle zu öffnen
und alles , was wir kennen hört auf zu existieren.
Ihr könnt ihr nicht mehr helfen,
aber vielleicht kann ich ihre Seele retten.

You’re walking through the streets at night
And your heart is full of pain
You don’t know where to go
Your life is full of hate and fears
You feel so lost and you feel alone
You’re looking for a change in your life

Komm’ mit uns , gib’ uns deine Hand
Komm’ zu uns ins Königreich der Nacht

You hate to be a human being
You hate to be so sick and weak
You don’t deserve a life like this
You don’t believe in what they do
I know you are one of us

We are the angels of the dark
We’re everything you’ll ever need
We have the darkness on our side
It will guide us to a better life
No more fear and no more pain
We will protect you eternally
The only price you have to pay is to leave this world behind

You hate to be a human being
You hate to be so sick and weak
You don’t deserve a life like this
You don’t believe in what they do
I know you are one of us

We are the angels of the dark
We’re everything you’ll ever need
We have the darkness on our side
It will guide us to a better life
The world is dying without faith
Only we will win this game
You will find a better life
In a world without sacrifice
No more fear and no more pain
We will protect you eternally
The only price you have to pay is to leave this world behind

The world is dying without faith
Only we will win this game
You will find a better life"
Blutengel - Angels Of The Dark

My lost Lenore.

How can such a cute little girl be so evil?

For you who haven't red this comic i suggest that you do so now! I Command you! ;-)

Lenore & Nemi, my heroes! Without that reading it would go insane in an instant..


There are many paths in this life, some lead to safety, some lead to insertain things, why I constantly is mislead to thos tiny paths that mostly lead to my misfortune is unknown.
Anyway's, as long as there's life there's hope, stay strong, vicious and always heading forward.
To where you ask?

Help me find out please, cause I myself have no idea.

To sum it up, "L'âme Immortelle" lycics of "Figure in the mirror":
" Every time you put this mask on your face
A little piece of your soul dies away

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

What I feel and what I see
I do through eyes of an enemy
Forced by powers pushing me
Resulting in fear and misery

I change myself to fit the needs....
During this Mutation my heart bleeds
Trying to adjust to Society
Not anymore I want to be free

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

Only a few could break the shell
Surrounding my soul's polluted well
Drink from it and you will see
All the pain that rests in me

It's like Pandora's box
With a number of haunted locks
The one who sees deep inside
knows all the feelings I do hide

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

Once you took a look inside of me
You decide between joy and misery
If you abuse the things you know

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see

From my true self, I do flee"

Out of order.

Disturbed, disrupted, interrupted is my sleep.. Broken dreams wich I never rimember. How I long for a good nights sleep, and to finally wake up rested, and not in the late afternoon. When the sleep embraces me, I feel nothing, don't think that any dreams comes to me at all, just feels like a short of 'coma'-like state.
Is it to much to ask, to wake up in time, and feel rested?

So many I know tells me that I'm an angel.. How they see it or believe so I do not know. For me it just feels that my wings are torn off, one by one, like from a fly. After that left on the floor to wander around in emptyness longing for what I once had, and it feels like it will never be again..
I feel far from an angel, my dreams are crushed under a mountain. No life left worth living as far as I know, but still the hope for a better life isn't gone completley.

As always

As always I cry an angels bloody tears. Never will I know how or why the words scars my throat. My grinding thoughts keep my awake at night.
Always tired, always confused.
Is this how my life is intended to be?

No mater how long I sleep, I dont feel rested. No matter when I try to go to sleep, I still stay awake far to long. Can't someone come here and knock me to sleep? What truly is needed is for someone to hold me, the one I long for to be there feels way to far away, and in my mind theres a doubt that I will ever feel that person lying next to me ever again. I'm afraid that 'they' have succeeded in their plan to make all we had go away.
What will happen to us if we are torn appart? I dont want to think of it like that, but those are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. Atleast some of the thoughts.. I wouldn't dare to tell everything here. Thats just for me to know, and for you to hopefully never find out. With a few exeptions, you know who you are..

I'm happy to state that my order i placed about three months ago finally has arrived.
Got a bit more expensive then I thought but it's still not that bad. If anyone cares i can put out pictures of the shoes... Strange how such items can make you so happy... Might be cause I don't get to go on a shopping spree that often... ;-)

Take care my faithful readers, all three of you...

---

"Never shall innocent blood be shed.
Yet the blood of the wicked shall flow like a river.
The three shall spread their blackened wings
and be the vengeful striking hammer of god.
And shepherds we shall be,
for thee my lord for thee.
Power hath decended forth from thy hand
so our feet may swiftly carry out thy command.
And we shall flow a river forth to thee
and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
When I raise my flashing sword,
and my hand takes hold in judgment,
I will take vengance upon my enemies
and I shall repay thos who have hazed me.
Oh Lord, raise me to thy right hand
and count me among thy saints.
In nomine Patris,
et Filii,
et Spiritus Sancti"

And daddy tells me, that even angels fall.
Sometimes when it's quiet, I can hear them call.

Day of

This is a day of joy, a day for cheers.. I just wish i could be a part of that selebration. I miss you my dear. I hope to see you soon.. There's just one string of barbed wire betwean us as for now.. Some way, i hope you see that to. Cause I am youce as long as you want me to be. Only yource, noone elses.
I wish i could give you something for your birthday, but you dont want any gifts, or atleast didn't want before. Hard for me to know. Thanks to 'Aka' "Blutengel" i have a picture for you, i hope you see what i mean by it. Many hugs & kisses for your birthday.

Trapped

I'm trapped in this world, of sorrow and pain. Trapped untill my soul's freed once again.
Closed up, with walls all around
Slowly sinking, soon I will have drowned.
Parched with thirst.
Struck with hunger.
Only you can set me free, perish my thirst.
Only you can feed my hunger.

This is what feels like an eternal wait.
Longing for something that might never be.
I am truly yource, forever in my heart.
Forever in my thoughts.

My soul belongs to you my dear. Only you.

A blue bunny for you my dear.