Thoughts

The thoughts keep me awake. Thoughts of you. How I miss your touch. How i miss to hold you in my arms. To smell your hair, hide my face in your neck.. To taste your skin. Loose myself in your beautiful eyes, I am nothing compared to you'r grace. I cant imagine a life without you, my feelings are to strong for you. Eaven when I sin infront of the spirits, I cant stop myself from thinking of you.

I truly do miss you. Many <3 to you.

---

Without my wings I'm stranded, I dont know who took em, but I do know who can give them back to me.

Time to get back, time to try to sleep again. Will this insomnia never end?

Operation

Operation buildup hopefully begins on wensday. Scrabble up the ashes of my so called life, grabbing nail and hammer & get to work.

Rebuilding will take time, and hopefully I can get some support & help from the few friends thats left. I dont expect much tho..

True, true..

Today im lazy, its weekend dangit! Give me a brake, this image says todays statement clearly. Enjoy.

Relentless

This wait is relentless, and I'm sick of this life. I Just wanna scream. How could this happen to me??
Nothing lef to do, but to grab the bulls horns and see what happens. Not far left now..

Only a few candles left to burn now.

All my entrys seems to be the same, somehow I dont find that strange since it feels like every day is the same, same guilt same fear, same panic flowing over me.


Cant take this much longer. Only reason I kep on fighthing is you my dear, hence I'm still here longing.

Completely....

I am going completely mad. Everything I see reminds me of you. I dont dare to stop, and see for sure, if its true. My heart stops every time, numbing me from head to toe. Every image I have, remids me of you. Have to restrain myself from crying. I dont know what to do if I loose you. You're the only one that ment this much to me, I just want you to know that.
Forever will a big chunk of my heart belong to you, unregarding if you want it or not.

Kisses to you my dear, I will always hold you near.

Longing....

I'm longing for my princess or angel to come and save me, save me from ths world of agony and pain. Where she stands I do not know. The world seems to crumble around me. Untill there's nothing left to see.

My only hope is to keep eyes forward, and walk up straight. Even tho I might get cought in a stinbeling fall that will never end.

---

If this doesen't end well, my Kitty wount have much more then a shallow grave left to watch of what once was me.I will be gone, dont know how, dont know where, but i cant stay here.
The only things that frightens me, is that my Kitty will do the same as this last picture.. Only hope i stil got.

"Please my dear, dont leave me here. All Alone by myself, with nothing left to do, but to blame my actions in the past. The only thing i wanted was for this to last.
Forever my dear, forever I promised. And im still keeping that promise.
For as long as you want me I am yours."
-Jezz -07

Agonizing

They say pictures say more then a thousand words... Well see for yourself if you can decipher what I want to tell by these pictures.

Don't ask me to explain, you wount understand half of the words i would type in that case.

Figurine

Mostly the hours just tick on by, nothing special about that. But so far this week has been painfully slow. 30 minutes feels like two hours or more. Only to see that the clock almost doesn't move at all.

Black collar around my neck, the silver studs shine so to tell others to back away. Leash to a firm stedy hand, "Common darling, lead me away to some other land.".

Will things ever be the same again? Or will I still have to hide away, never to be seen again?

Broken

Dark nights passes by. Never a day goes without it makeing me cry. I'm not sheding any tears, its all hidden deep inside.

Every entry in this bloging feels like the same thing over and over again.
This isn't me, i promise. Dont knwo what else to write about since there's not much interesting things that are happening in my life atm, as I've written beafore - right now I live in a nothinges, a vaccuum just trying to get by.. Things will get better i hope, but i cannot be sure of that as for now, only time will tell, fortunatly there aren't that long time left now before i will know how things will be in the future. For better or for worce. I will continue struggling for as long as i have the energy.

---

And for you who think I'm an angel, here's the proof that it's not so.

You Are 94% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. (Don't know that many people as for now anyhow.) The devil is even a little scared of you! (He'd better be for when i arrive!)

How Evil Are You?

Wonderful silence

Slowly it gets darker, the leaves fade to yellowish colours, the day fades away.

Is there any way to convince someone that they are wonderful, beautiful, and the greatest just the way they are? If there is I'd like to know it. Seems like all words i say just flows right through. That disturbs me.. Why oh why, does everything i try, always away from me fly? (Bad rhime i know)

Enjoy todays picture, i sure did. And rimember, you ARE beautiful, eaven if you dont want to believe so yourself.

Friday

Yes, finally friday, a day of inner peace. Sit back, enjoy your poinson (coffee, thé, whine, beer for ex). I prefer to stick to my fizzy water. And perhaps a couple of glasses of milk. ;-P
A time to be myself, and a fade effort to find my inner self.. I know i wount succeed... yet.. But i enjoy the rest, the time to pet my cat. And perhaps do some tours. I wish I didn't live in an apartment, I want someone to share a house with, share a life.. I thought that was what i had, now.... there's noone who knows. To be continued so to speak. The only thing that keeps my hope up, is that I'm keeping my promise, as well as I hope it's kept from the other side.

Sorry Wing, but I like that picture above, it had to be posted.
So this next picture is a bit easyer for your eyes.. ;-)

Trapped

Well, handcuffs... It's nice. When used the right way... I got a pair... The most important person on the earth left them here. Sometimes i just take them out, and hold them, feel them. Longing.

Soulstone

A stone. Green in colour, mystical, and powerful. I can sence you when i gently caress it. I sence that you feel many feelings cimilar to mine. What I do not know, is how you feel about me. My feelings for you are still strong. I can not doubt them, as well as I wount ignore them. I'm here for you, always my dear. As long as you want me..
Just hope you feel that to.
I have always worn your stone, i wanted something from you to always stay near to me, always as close to my skin as possible.

---

Much things going on wich i cant controll.. On the other hand there's no way for me to control them eaven if I wanted to. The only thing to do is to try to stay awake, and focus on what's important, even tho the lack of energy.

One thing is comming to an end soon... I cant say that it's something that I want to do. But it's a must. There's no way to get past it without any scars. I just hope that it will be done with the least pain for any of us, only thing i hope, is that you still love me as deep as I still love you. Otherwise all of this life will be nothing worth anymore.

Sorry Wing, but since I'm an fallen angel, theres a need to show this last image for todays entry.
And thank you Älvöga, without you'r support there would be no way for me to survive. Thanks for being out there..

---

"Wenn er ihr Fleisch mit seinem menschlichen Körper verschlungen hat,
dann ist er in der Lage das Tor zur Hölle zu öffnen
und alles , was wir kennen hört auf zu existieren.
Ihr könnt ihr nicht mehr helfen,
aber vielleicht kann ich ihre Seele retten.

You’re walking through the streets at night
And your heart is full of pain
You don’t know where to go
Your life is full of hate and fears
You feel so lost and you feel alone
You’re looking for a change in your life

Komm’ mit uns , gib’ uns deine Hand
Komm’ zu uns ins Königreich der Nacht

You hate to be a human being
You hate to be so sick and weak
You don’t deserve a life like this
You don’t believe in what they do
I know you are one of us

We are the angels of the dark
We’re everything you’ll ever need
We have the darkness on our side
It will guide us to a better life
No more fear and no more pain
We will protect you eternally
The only price you have to pay is to leave this world behind

You hate to be a human being
You hate to be so sick and weak
You don’t deserve a life like this
You don’t believe in what they do
I know you are one of us

We are the angels of the dark
We’re everything you’ll ever need
We have the darkness on our side
It will guide us to a better life
The world is dying without faith
Only we will win this game
You will find a better life
In a world without sacrifice
No more fear and no more pain
We will protect you eternally
The only price you have to pay is to leave this world behind

The world is dying without faith
Only we will win this game
You will find a better life"
Blutengel - Angels Of The Dark

My lost Lenore.

How can such a cute little girl be so evil?

For you who haven't red this comic i suggest that you do so now! I Command you! ;-)

Lenore & Nemi, my heroes! Without that reading it would go insane in an instant..


There are many paths in this life, some lead to safety, some lead to insertain things, why I constantly is mislead to thos tiny paths that mostly lead to my misfortune is unknown.
Anyway's, as long as there's life there's hope, stay strong, vicious and always heading forward.
To where you ask?

Help me find out please, cause I myself have no idea.

To sum it up, "L'âme Immortelle" lycics of "Figure in the mirror":
" Every time you put this mask on your face
A little piece of your soul dies away

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

What I feel and what I see
I do through eyes of an enemy
Forced by powers pushing me
Resulting in fear and misery

I change myself to fit the needs....
During this Mutation my heart bleeds
Trying to adjust to Society
Not anymore I want to be free

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

Only a few could break the shell
Surrounding my soul's polluted well
Drink from it and you will see
All the pain that rests in me

It's like Pandora's box
With a number of haunted locks
The one who sees deep inside
knows all the feelings I do hide

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

Once you took a look inside of me
You decide between joy and misery
If you abuse the things you know

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see

From my true self, I do flee"

Out of order.

Disturbed, disrupted, interrupted is my sleep.. Broken dreams wich I never rimember. How I long for a good nights sleep, and to finally wake up rested, and not in the late afternoon. When the sleep embraces me, I feel nothing, don't think that any dreams comes to me at all, just feels like a short of 'coma'-like state.
Is it to much to ask, to wake up in time, and feel rested?

So many I know tells me that I'm an angel.. How they see it or believe so I do not know. For me it just feels that my wings are torn off, one by one, like from a fly. After that left on the floor to wander around in emptyness longing for what I once had, and it feels like it will never be again..
I feel far from an angel, my dreams are crushed under a mountain. No life left worth living as far as I know, but still the hope for a better life isn't gone completley.

As always

As always I cry an angels bloody tears. Never will I know how or why the words scars my throat. My grinding thoughts keep my awake at night.
Always tired, always confused.
Is this how my life is intended to be?

No mater how long I sleep, I dont feel rested. No matter when I try to go to sleep, I still stay awake far to long. Can't someone come here and knock me to sleep? What truly is needed is for someone to hold me, the one I long for to be there feels way to far away, and in my mind theres a doubt that I will ever feel that person lying next to me ever again. I'm afraid that 'they' have succeeded in their plan to make all we had go away.
What will happen to us if we are torn appart? I dont want to think of it like that, but those are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. Atleast some of the thoughts.. I wouldn't dare to tell everything here. Thats just for me to know, and for you to hopefully never find out. With a few exeptions, you know who you are..

I'm happy to state that my order i placed about three months ago finally has arrived.
Got a bit more expensive then I thought but it's still not that bad. If anyone cares i can put out pictures of the shoes... Strange how such items can make you so happy... Might be cause I don't get to go on a shopping spree that often... ;-)

Take care my faithful readers, all three of you...

---

"Never shall innocent blood be shed.
Yet the blood of the wicked shall flow like a river.
The three shall spread their blackened wings
and be the vengeful striking hammer of god.
And shepherds we shall be,
for thee my lord for thee.
Power hath decended forth from thy hand
so our feet may swiftly carry out thy command.
And we shall flow a river forth to thee
and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
When I raise my flashing sword,
and my hand takes hold in judgment,
I will take vengance upon my enemies
and I shall repay thos who have hazed me.
Oh Lord, raise me to thy right hand
and count me among thy saints.
In nomine Patris,
et Filii,
et Spiritus Sancti"

And daddy tells me, that even angels fall.
Sometimes when it's quiet, I can hear them call.

Day of

This is a day of joy, a day for cheers.. I just wish i could be a part of that selebration. I miss you my dear. I hope to see you soon.. There's just one string of barbed wire betwean us as for now.. Some way, i hope you see that to. Cause I am youce as long as you want me to be. Only yource, noone elses.
I wish i could give you something for your birthday, but you dont want any gifts, or atleast didn't want before. Hard for me to know. Thanks to 'Aka' "Blutengel" i have a picture for you, i hope you see what i mean by it. Many hugs & kisses for your birthday.

Trapped

I'm trapped in this world, of sorrow and pain. Trapped untill my soul's freed once again.
Closed up, with walls all around
Slowly sinking, soon I will have drowned.
Parched with thirst.
Struck with hunger.
Only you can set me free, perish my thirst.
Only you can feed my hunger.

This is what feels like an eternal wait.
Longing for something that might never be.
I am truly yource, forever in my heart.
Forever in my thoughts.

My soul belongs to you my dear. Only you.

A blue bunny for you my dear.

Roses are red...

One singel red rose, thats all i got left now. Before the darkness comes.
I hope it wount be the last, but as for now its the only one i got. Hard to explain how love can make you do strange things. Do think you never thought you would ever do. But im strong, especially when i know what i want. And i want my beloved to stay with me, even if there are no guarantees. They say the last thing to leave a human is hope, so far i can only agree.

"Roses are red..
Voilets are blue..
I still love you..
And i hope you do so to.."
-Jezz -070911
Yes i stole the first part. So sue me.. :-|

The short time i got with my beloved, was the best time i've had in my entire life. How i miss those days. I will carry those memories with me forever, one big chunk of my heart will always stay with you my love. Altho i hope it will be you and me togeather again.

Another minute, hour, day...

One funny thing i've noticed is that the older you get the faster time seems to pass.. Accept whem you are waiting for something or someone, then it's slow..
Waiting for work to end seems endless, but as soon as you step inside your home, it speeds up and you just get time to make something to eat, and sit yourself down only to notice time has run to fast again.. Only option is to get to bed.

Cant do much else then to walk forward, fallowing the path i've walked to many times. I wish it just once would be covered with beutiful rose petals. To walk forward in a more galmorus path, wiht more to be happy about.. But then if i finally got the joy of a rose petal filled path, i would not be suprised to see all the trees dead or with no leaves, and the ground covered in snow, only to make my workd dull anyhow. Yes im a bit bitter i dan admit. Its rely not that bad i promise.. To be ohnest i would be quite pleased if i only had the figure and the dress of the woman on the picture.. Im easy to please that way.. ;-)

This day went along as all days have in the past. Still nothing to be joyful about. And at the same time nothing to be sad about. Constant "nothingness" that's hard to explain. I truly hope that i very soon get something diffrent and fun to do... Wish me luck...

And i also wish to thank the friendly soul who helps me get up in the morning, thanks your wakeupcall means a lot to me.. *hugs*

Hungry Lucy - Rainfall (Live on City Nights)
"Behind a wall
There is a boy
I've tried to reach
For many years
Each time it rains
I see his face
I offer shelter
He walks away

May you have brighter tomorrows
The past you had was shrouded in deceit
May you be eternally beautiful
The way you are
The way you are
To me

I had the chance
To feel his pain
I didn’t look
Deep inside
My desperate hope
Won’t bring him back
It only kills
The love I have

I walked away
From the waters edge
Feeling numb
From the cold
Now when it rains
I can’t see his face
I am weak
And I have failed"

Im so empty

"Like a wounded crow with wooded stapeled wings. Crippeled but still soaring.
Trying to stay wingborn.

I refuse to be one of them.
Staked, trapped, and bleeding.
Yeah, it's true, that woun't happen.
Right, for sure?"
-Jezz 2007-09-05


Mostly i feel just empty, i dont know what to do. Just stay awake doing nothing. Cant fall asleep, but still to tired to do anything creative. Gazing into nowhere. Whats there to see?
How come i cant sleep when i realy need to? Thoughts grind my mind, blurring my thoughts. Making me forget what i was doing, or supposed to do. Mocking me.. I feel ded tired, go to bed. But well there, im wide awake. Someone, something, is messing with me.. Why o why is everything the same, it feels like the days just repeats themselves. Over and over i do the same things.
It's hard enough trying to get my thoughts in line to write my blog. Can start a sentence, only to re-write it moments later since the words just wrote are nothing, empty, silent. Can only vision myself crying, cant do that anymore. Dont let myself. Eaven if it might make things feel better.


Anathema - Empty
" Empty vessel under the sun wipe the dust
From my face another morning black Sunday
Coming down again empty vessel empty veins
Empty bottle wish for rain that pain again
Wash the blood off my face the pulse from
My brain and I feel that pain again

I'm looking over my shoulder 'cos millions
Will whisper I'm killing myself again maybe
I'm dying faster but nothing ever last I
Remember a night from my past when I was
Stabbed in the back and its all coming
Back and I feel that pain again

I abhor you I condemn you 'cos this pain
Will never end you got away without a
Scratch and now you're walking on a lucky
Path I have to laugh but you'd better watch your back

There's pathetic opposition they're the
Cause of my condition ill be coming back
For them I've a solution for this sad
Situation nothing left but to kill myself
Again because I'm so empty"

Star by star

Every soul has a match i like to believe, the tricky part is to find he or she. There is also several kinds of soulmatching. About the same way as you find a song that makes you cry when you listen to it, you find yerself almost crying when you're near him/her. Even if he/she feels miles away, the link can almost make you swear that you feel what she feels. Dream what he/she dreams, or appear in their dreams, almost so clear so that it beacomes true. Strange isn't it?

Or just feeling a connection to a friend, a connection that you never thought you would have to any other human being. An understanding that seemed impossible to achieve.
In darkness or in light, in sadness or in helth.

I realy wish we will stay together forever.


The Kovenant - Star By Star
"We were alone and on our own, in the dark between the stars
From the shadows to the pyre, amidst the chaos, from the stars
Love, life and liberty, Hate, death and captivity
Like a stain of starless darkness, across the canvas of space

Star by Star
Corrupting all of humanity
So much alike are we
When I see you I see me

Galaxies glitter in the black night sky, Towards progress, towards death
From the stars we have come, and to the stars we will return

The violence of passion - The passion of violence
The perverse impulses - The savage egoism
The wicked presence - The wicked essence
The thing that unites us - The thing that divides us

Star by Star
Corrupting all of humanity
So much alike are we
When I see you I see me"

So much to do and so little time

I wish i had more time to day to clean up the place. Its well over due, but i cant find the energy. Forgive me my friends.. You will have to live with it for a little longer.

I think im gonna buy one of those self vacuming robots to keep the floors clean atleast so it would look better around here.. I must check out how much one of those cost.

Gonna spend another couple of hours infront of the coputer (as usual) instead and then head off to bead to try to get some sleep.

The translation to the text on the picture is:
"Love is blind
but in my case its also
deaf, mute, dyslectic,
have worn out hips
and beginning alzheimer"

Thoughts

Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate (click for youtube video link):
"Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone"


Due to popular demand i will (try to) write in english from now on. //Jezz

To comment on the lyrics pasterd above, i have to quote Zach Braff when he comments Dido: "If my heart could wrinte songs, they would sound like these"

Im gonna try to keep a little more polite and positive feeling in my "future echoes" in my blog. I hope you can forgive me when i end up short on that promise..
Soon i will get less time to exist on web, hopefully it will be only for a couple of weeks. But as for now i'm gonna continue to post entrys as usual (hopefully one every day, but no promises there either)..
Life feels a bit better, and hopefully will continue to do so after this weekend, i needed it. The only bad thing is that i didn't have a friend to share it with. Thats a 'problem' for the future to handle.

And welcome my newest reader Wing to my blogspace, hope you check in often.