CursedI am cursed.
By the acing in my soul.
As for the lost time.
Wither slowly from within.
A Life with a never ending pain.
To loose hope, perhaps to never find it again.
Only one candle left to burn out.
Before the darkness comes.
/Jezz 2010-01-27
Why cursed? Well yes, I strongly believe that I am.. Nothing, and then I truly mean NOTHING is going my way. I've even started to refer my life as "MLS", which is short for "My Life Sucks".
Don't worry, I still can enjoy some brief moments when I can laugh, enjoy a movie, or enjoy a nice day... However, I always hurt inside.. I've just become rely good at hiding it.
It seems like an ordinary day cant pass without SOMETHING messing it up.. Even such a simple thing as tossing away something into the trash... I lean in, toss it in, the trash bounces off the bin and onto the floor, often somewhere where its annoying to get hold of. I pick it up, toss it again, it STILL bounces off.. This usually ends up in a very, and then I mean VERY pissed off Jezz, if I where anything like Bruce Banner I'd be a raging she-hulk within nanoseconds.
That's my life in a nutshell, everything from small things to large things MUST go wrong. Not intentionally by me, but it just seems like the world is against me..
Within this misery I try thinking about the Karma perspective, do good things and good things will happen.. I've been trying to be as good as I can but STILL there's no actual reward. Or I might have gotten the reward, I'm just to blind to see it..
So if it means that "Karma" is punishing me, what have I done wrong? I can't think of anything that's been done within the last year that can have to make me suffer as much as this.
No job, no money, no life.
No I'm not an EMO self cutting mano-depressive crazy chick. Sure sometimes it feels like ending it would be the easy answer.. Tho there are some bastards out there that would enjoy it to much. And I sure don't wanna give em that pleasure, plus the fact that I actually want to know where I can get in life. I'm not "dead stuck" yet, but it sure feels VERY annoying at the moment.
That's all for now, over & out //Jezz
