My empty world of thoughts. "I Am, and always will be my own thinking soul.
But i dont feel well, if I'm not allowed to belong to someone else." -Jezz 990708
Blind as a bat. I Can see, but still discover nothing. I Can read, but still don't learn anything.
Searching through life. Without anything in sight. Tremble ahead as I crawl. Slowly beside the wall.
/Jezz 2010-01-29
Curse "the trolls" that keep me awake. Curse my crappy life, that gives the trolls something to feed on.. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see the post "The Trolls" I want to get out of here. Get out of this concrete shell. Break down those walls, ANYTHING! Please I can't stand this much longer. Give me a job dangit! A new place to be, a new start. But nooooo another situation when life comes and bites me straight in the ass! At lest I can find some comfort in reading about other peoples misfortune at www.fmylife.com
I am cursed. By the acing in my soul. As for the lost time. Wither slowly from within.
A Life with a never ending pain. To loose hope, perhaps to never find it again. Only one candle left to burn out. Before the darkness comes.
/Jezz 2010-01-27
Why cursed? Well yes, I strongly believe that I am.. Nothing, and then I truly mean NOTHING is going my way. I've even started to refer my life as "MLS", which is short for "My Life Sucks". Don't worry, I still can enjoy some brief moments when I can laugh, enjoy a movie, or enjoy a nice day... However, I always hurt inside.. I've just become rely good at hiding it. It seems like an ordinary day cant pass without SOMETHING messing it up.. Even such a simple thing as tossing away something into the trash... I lean in, toss it in, the trash bounces off the bin and onto the floor, often somewhere where its annoying to get hold of. I pick it up, toss it again, it STILL bounces off.. This usually ends up in a very, and then I mean VERY pissed off Jezz, if I where anything like Bruce Banner I'd be a raging she-hulk within nanoseconds. That's my life in a nutshell, everything from small things to large things MUST go wrong. Not intentionally by me, but it just seems like the world is against me.. Within this misery I try thinking about the Karma perspective, do good things and good things will happen.. I've been trying to be as good as I can but STILL there's no actual reward. Or I might have gotten the reward, I'm just to blind to see it.. So if it means that "Karma" is punishing me, what have I done wrong? I can't think of anything that's been done within the last year that can have to make me suffer as much as this. No job, no money, no life.
No I'm not an EMO self cutting mano-depressive crazy chick. Sure sometimes it feels like ending it would be the easy answer.. Tho there are some bastards out there that would enjoy it to much. And I sure don't wanna give em that pleasure, plus the fact that I actually want to know where I can get in life. I'm not "dead stuck" yet, but it sure feels VERY annoying at the moment.
I know that I've been lazy updating my blog, I will try to do it more often.. The general reason why it's not been updated in long is lack of inspiration. I simply don't feel that I've got something to share. As I use to refer my life towards myself, in three letters, "MLS" as in "My Life Sucks". No point in having you, the few ppl that actually read my blog, plow through my misery. Yes I sound miserable & depressed, and yes I am, but my life aren't all bad. Tho a incomplete life is a life wasted in my eyes.. And since I can't do jack & shit, and jack left town about it, I'm sorta stuck in life.. I could take some time to develop this but that would take long and I don't wanna bore you. At the moment my life is in boxes, some workers have been in my apartment doing some conversion work for the heating, they are still not done and there's not any point in unpacking unless they are finished. Which will be in 6 to 8 weeks...
Now to a more serious (?) matter, since I'm not interested in any sport (especially watching sports on TV), many ppl way to often ask me if "I know when/where the next match is" which I find VERY annoying.. I don't like sports, and I sure don't annoy ppl by asking about thinks they don't like.. At my former work EVERYONE automatically assumed that everyone is interested and of course know when and where the next game is.. Even tho I explained to them several times that I don't care and never will. To get me to watch football for ex, they would have to dig down ~10 landmines at random to make the game more interesting, and not just a bunch of ppl chasing after a ball back & forth.. Tennis, make the ball explosive at random impact so u never know when it will go off.. Hockey, electrify the pads so they admin random electrical impulses to players, that would be fun to watch.. In general, sure I can admit, you need some kind of skill to be successful, however especially in team sports, it's also a huge amount of random luck. I would like to see two equally matched teams play two games, with as short time in between only to see that the result can vary even if its the same teams playing, it's just a matter of who got the "flow" that day. I might be morbid in that way, tho there's no interest for me to watch.. Much more point in participating your self then to just be an idle bystander.
Another christmas, another year. Well, it's not much to say, accept I hope you all have fun, get what you want in the packages. And that you don't be to greedy, a x-mas present gained is still better then none. I know what I want, but I also know that I'm not gonna get it. But its ok.. Christmas is still about the most sins in the shortest time so merry x-mas all..
Movie tip for the hollidays, if you haven't seen it, go get "Bad Santa"
Love is something magical Something beautiful To know that you have someone there That's yours to keep in bad and for worse In joy and sorrow
You can't fallow me blind You have to have your own goals set up Your own path to walk Not assume that I'll be there holding your hand Telling you what to do How to act Or all you will do, is fall back behind Steady your soul Steady your mind
Love can blow your mind Steal your judgment It's all that it takes One small step in the wrong direction And I wont be there to find
When every feeling hurt When all you want to do is give up Give in to your bad desires But you don't Then you know that this is the right track to take If not, I don't know If you ever will come to terms With yourself With this pain we all feel We all don't give in
He gazed at the image in the mirror. Wondering if she's somewhere in there. A little peak, a little sign. Will he see her again? Many questions asked. None answered. A falling star. A fading color.
An eternity of dreams. A face that seem to far away to reach. An endless nightmare.
Somebody plz give me a job! I'm sick of being unemployed, this low business sycle is starting to get on my nerves. I Need a job, and it is NOW! There are no jobs around here atm, at least not any jobs that fit my profile. I can't accomplish my goal without a constat cashflow. Any ideas? Plz comment.
Dark recipie of a dark brew. Everything is a lie. Nothing is true.
A mixture of boiling thoughts. Tearing down your walls. Creating internal wars.
Hilight of far away existance. Big shadow of mistrust. Big cloud of resistance.
Mindless indulgance. Creative corrotion Of a diffuse mind.
Words that hurt my soul. Never more. Never should.
When you're alone. Don't let the thoughts come. Cause they will devour your soul.
//Jezz 2009-09-28
Is it important to keep your dreams alive? I like to say yes.. Without dreams we humans are nothing. Without a dream there's no future. Even so, many peoples dreams get crushed by others. For example, if Nikolai Tesla had been given an honest chance to develop his visions, who knows what life today would have looked like? But no, the genral public put him down. Declaired him "a mad scientist", and alienated him. Same behavior of the general public is still seen today, if you dont fit the grid.... You're out of here! Tho according to some resources ppl who are odd, diffrent from the rest of the sheep, most often have more to contribute within a work enviroment. Still, they get ostracized, for being themselves.. Unlike the rest of the sheep herd, who's mainly is a bunch of ass-kissers and self admierers. Bah, I've said enough.. //Jezz
Soundtrack for my blog today, press play before reading on.
Whats left inside?
Breaking point. Breaking heart. Why does everything seem to fall apart?
Lost soul. Lost cause. Ether way I turn, I still lose?
Story begins. Story ends. How come so many pretends?
Heavy burden. Heavy life. No matter what, I still strive.
/Jezz
Hah! This life is just a fucking joke, is it rly ment to be like this? Everywhere I turn there are ppl who are doing so well, with their jobs, their life well on their way, while mine barely have begun. I got a long way to go, to reach my goal, and as for now, it feels like the whole world is working against me. Yes things have been worse for me, but things have also been better.. I mean, I had a job, a chance to become something, while now........ now it just feels like sand of time is running through my fingers.. I can't do anything about it. I hate that. Can't blame it on anyone, if I where a believer, that fella God would be a good "being" to blame. However, I doubt that this person ever could help me in any way. I'm a lost cause ether way, EVEN tho I try to live by the good rule (as stated in My Name is Earl) "Do god things and god things happen"... However, I've been doing that all my life, but still I do god things, and bad things happen. WTF have I done wrong? It drives me insane sometimes. Eh, well more instane then I already am then. Is that better? Ok good. :P
The world is a unfair and unforgiving place. Don't know if it matter, not sure if I care. Things just sux. Or. things just are the way they are.
This song, touches my soul, embraces my heart. I don't know why. I don't know how, but it still does, I have to surrender to ASP's greatness and weep. Yes when I hear this song, my eyes fills with tears. No I'm not sad in that manner, it just touches me in such a way I didn't think was possible from a song. There's only one other song that made me cry like this. No need to say that its a song by Blutengel? No? Hehe thought so. Well. I Know that this track has been stated on this blog before, but it so great, I have to post it again. And again. And Again.. Well u get the picture. This is one of my greatest inspiration sources. I want to make music like this, but with my own twist & creativity.. Got one word for ASP tho; "Keep up the great wonderful work!"
ASP - Me
Fact There is a fact There is a fiction Wenever it can be done There's no prediction
My soul is set diffrent My heart tells a tale My brain thinks diffrent Whats the matter with me?
A existance without body A life without measure A simple thing That only money can bring?
This eternal struggle This longing This wait For something that migh be to late?
Legion of cuddly things. Ignoring the handling hands. Forever trying to reach. Only to be bit by hungry teeth. My fluffy friend. Bite me once again. I Tell you this my friend. Don't have that thought again. It's cold out in the rain.
Find your star. Your goal. Aim high. Tho don't expect miracles. Meet me in between. Where nothing is as it seem.
-Jezz 2009-08-29
Well. This is kinda how I feel, do the pic need an explanation? Let me know in comments if so and I'll explain. But for now. Please enjoy Substance of Shade!!
Time for a little more serious note. Things have taken a little pull upwards, however this year as still become somewhat of a disapointment. Got laid off as for end of january, to little work... And the chock came just a week ago, they where closing down the entire factory, so now I don't even have a chance on getting back my old job when the buissiness sycle is up. What to do? I need a job, it's hard to build a life otherwise. Especially a life as complex as the life I need. Even gone so far that I'm seriosly thinking about starting a pledgedrive to myself, yes it sounds pathetic, but before I can truly reviel myself a major cash donation is nessisary. There's so much I want to do, but not having a job, a income, is rly pulling me down. I rly hope this will turn soon or I'm pretty much doomed to a lifetime in this "hell".
My GF & my music is what keeps me alive within this burning inferno. Can't even sleep straight..
To quote Wynyard the Frog from "Meet The Feebles": "Minimum donation 50 buks!"
If you function like a man. Then let go. Use what you can. Stop to deny what's truly you. I understand that it's hard. Due to what's happened to you. That your male side was oppressed. Pushed far back in your mind. Common now my love. Lure that forward. To establish what's rely you. Before it ruins that's left of your thoughts. You can do it. I know you can.
I'm so much worse. Is there rly any way to keep myself from going insane? I'm still waiting for my dreams They seem never to get real. No matter how much I hope. The world always find some way to pin me down. Flat to the ground.
I know I'm bad. However I'm not bad in the way you think.
How much more of this can I take? Time will tell, as usual.. It's my worst enemy.
Is it to much to ask? To have someone near, Someone to call dear? Apparently it's so. Since time pass by. And still everything remains the same. I just want to have someone to hold. Someone to get lost within those beautiful eyes. Never get tired to touch her silk like skin. Hear that voice from within. Tell you "shes the one, to keep. Forever, and ever".
Only for the privileged ones. Prove otherwise, I dare you!?
I lost my wings. Forgot how to fly. Ran away. Away from it all.
Cowered with shame. Nothing remains the same. Every hurtful feeling. Crowding in my brain. Could I feel happy? Nah, never again.
Drowning in the river of tears. Cannot look back. Everythings black. Wandering the afterlife. Looking for a way to get back. Untill I found her track.
Searched through the snow. Walking in terrible cold. Loosing all hope. Where to go? She's nowhere to be find. All this snow is making me blind.
I want everything I could need. Long hair as there can be. Suculent hips, longing lips. Just like hers. Just like hers.
My longing wishes. Don't make any difference. A grasp of her breath. The touch of her hands. When all I want Is for us to be togeather. Togeather forever.
//Jezz 2009-02-24
This is rly confusing.. Sheesh I'm a mess.. Haha, well thats realy no surprise. An diffuse mind can only spread confusion. Can't remember when it was I had a grip of reality last time.. Seems like never. Looking forward, and I see a small glimmer of hope to get my act togeather.. How it will turn out? Well I will try to keep you posted. The few who read this.
