In..

In silence i await what will become of me. Nothing left but pain from my past life. I wonder if I ever will be able to feel happy. Yeah sure, i can be happy, look happy, but within it's still a bleeding scar, a tortured soul.
No things aren't rely that bad. I'm not that depressed, or lonly.. But perhaps it's in the area where I rely need someone that I lack understanding, and perhaps more?

---

Art, I love art. Unfortunatly I can't paint.. I can do other artistic things, altho I do not master them. I would love to be able to put my pain into pictures. Only three alternatives therer, ether i get super good at painting - not gonna happen.. Or I learn to make 3D images on computer - might happen.. Or the final alternative, I work on getting a good photographer - will most likly not happen nether since I don't got anyone who wants to be a model, I cant both stand in front of and behind the camera now can I?

---

Todays treat: Comedy sketch with an swedish commedian - Robert Gustavsson as "The Ambassador". Enjoy.

I'm a...

I'm a monster..

Crouching, hiding from the light. Well, perhaps not that bad, but atlest not as good as the picture, if that where the case I'd be happy being a "monster".. Relentless of what ppl say, fokes will always look at me in disgrace. Not all, I know. But most unfortunatly. People are not that understanding of what they do not know.

Half cat by birth and half "I do not know".. :-P

---

This is the treat for today, Delerium - Aria

Im dissolved.

"Did I do wrong?
I Never ment you harm.
Cause with you is where my heart belong.
Yet still, you will never hear my song.

Her demon claws cut right through me.
Stole my heart, never let me be.
She stole my identity in a dream.
Took away my entire life as it seem.

Did I do wrong?
I tried to write you this song.
I thought you would long.
Just like i did wait for you to belong.

Did I do wrong?

Did I do??.... wrong....
Still miss you
Right or wrong?"

//Jezzz -080110

---

My world went out with a bang.

---

http://www.aftonbladet.se/kvinna/article1596739.ab

Todays subject is conserning the article above, only in swedish (sorry). Altho i can comment it by this wide known line: "To make Rap/Hip-hop you only need a bad upbringing, to play rock you need to be a good musician."

---

Todays Treat: "Moonlight Shadow", original by Mike Oldfield, this remix is by E-Rotic, enjoy. (not original video)

OYG!

These words are true, wount tell who I direct that comment to, but dont worry, you're not the one I mean. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder - however I'd rather put my vote to whoever came up with the phrase "Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder"... Is there rely any true beauty? Since wich one thinks is gorgeus, the next despise..

---

I Get so annoyed when people don't hand out the right information, been called to a meeting twice, and both date AND hours have been wrong! That someone can do it once, is ok, but TWICE? Yeah I'm upset, no wonder huh? So now I got another meeting set for tomorrow, AGAIN! I'm tired of this, tired of it all..



"Pale Cold And Beautiful, My Angel.... My Angel.." - The Mist Of Avalon

---

The Crüxshadows - Wnterborn



Over & out. //Jezz

The Dance

It hurts when angel's fall, never to come back, never to reach it all.
Fell and hit the ground, feathers spread like wildfire.
A Searing pain, whats that? I broke my wing.
Will I ever fly gain?
Is there a life to live down here?
As for now, I sit here alone, shedding one single tear.
And then the silence.

---

"Never shall innocent blood be shed
Yet the blood of the wicked shall flow like a river
The three shall spread their blackened wings
And be the vengefulstriking hammer of god.
And shepherds we shall be,
for thee my lord for thee.
Power hath decended forth form thy hand
so our feet may swiftly carry out thy command.
And we shall flow a river forth to thee,
and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
When I raise my flashing sword,
and my hand takes hold in judgement,
I will take vengance upon my enemies,
and I shall repay thos who have hazed me.
Oh Lord, raise me to thy right,
and count me among thy saints.
In nomine Patris,
et Filii,
et Sprirtus Sancti"
(Wing dont watch this unless you are prepared that it's quite graphic, and you dont need to see it, it's just a scene from a move where that phrase above is mentioned.)

---

I will try to atleast bring up one subject (same will probably be mentioned several times). This time there's no real subject. Ya cant get it all the time.

As for now.. Over & out!

New year

A new year, a new start (i hope)..

Tings took a bad turn during 2007, tings i wish not to speak of. Mistakes have been made, and I have to take the blame personally. Dont want to say why, the ppl who deserve to know - know. The only thing that can be told, is that it have had such a negative influence in my life, that im not sure if I will survive this time, no i wount kill myself. But things will be tough, anyhow this year have to suck bigtime before being any worce then 2007.. So I hope for the better. I hope for 2008 to bring me some joy in life. Since i practically lost everything - eaven tho I gained some new friends, my life is empty in the most important way, you can figure out yourself what's missing since I wount tell.
Well here's a picture for you Wing.. :-PSo, in other words, I have quite high hopes for 2008. Don't know what it will bring yet, that's left to see. If things get worse then 2007 there wont be much left for me here. Feels like im trapped in the center of the storm, without a fair chance to get out, there's no path I can take that leads me to safety. Might sound depressive, and yes, in some way it is. Altho I can't give up, I cant let "them" win, my life might have hit rock bottom........

But some things might solve it all?? Or something to finally solve what i need, solve it all & let me feel that I belong.
Belong where you might ask? You figure it out.

*Scream*

Trapped inside this prison, almost beyond reach. Is there any way to feel free? Not at this moment I'm afraid. But surley I awaite what the future holds.


Todays Treat:

Mylene Farmer - Fuck Them All




Lyrics:

"Nature is changing
Breathing as they lie
In a destructive way
Nature is a killer

During the good times
So much success
For the man who has behind him
A mistress who's busy

Making for themselves an empire
Blood and tear
Making love to Marie
Blood and tear
And Marie is a martyr
Blood and tear
On the wall our sighs

Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, our vices reversed
Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, bleed our hell
Fuck them all!
Blood and soul!
We'll go soft on paper
Blood is sex!

With an innocent nature
They handle elegance
A double-edged sword pierces us
The words too verbose
nothing but rhetoric!
The usual cowardice
That makes us warriors

Make for themselves an empire
Blood and tear
Make love to Marie
Blood and tear
And Marie is a martyr
Blood and tear
On the wall our sighs

Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, our vices reversed
Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, bleed our hell
Fuck them all!
Blood and soul!
We'll go soft on paper
Blood is sex!

Hey bitch, you're not on the list
You witch! You suck! You bitch!
They said
Hey bitch, you're not on the list
You witch! You suck! You bitch!
They said
Hey bitch, you're not on the list
What's your name again ?

Hey bitch, you're not on the list
You witch! You suck! You bitch!
Hey bitch, you're not on the list
Hey bitch, you're not on the list
You bitch, you're not on the list
You witch! You suck! You bitch!

Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, our vices reversed
Fuck them all!
Make love, we'll make war, bleed our hell
Fuck them all!
Blood and soul!
We'll go soft on paper
Blood is sex!

FUCK THEM ALL !
FUCK THEM ALL !
FUCK THEM ALL !
BLOOD AND SOUL !
FUCK THEM ALL!"

Afraid.

Strange how we are constantly encuraged to be ourselves - yet we are still afraid to show who we realy are?
Who am I to complain on another person's sexuality? Just about as much as someone has the "right" to complain to me about mine. Sounds easy and not that complicated? Everything is so much easyer just by talking or thinking about it, doing - now there we have something completly different.
Things might have been a lot better if it had been official a long time ago? I dont know, and ohnestly I dont want to think about it neather.
Instead I hide, shadowing myself from the world, the people that realy need to know, to be able to help. I can never be healed as long as my life stays like this.
How come we fear to be ourselves? Why is it so hard? It's just words? It's just one world, one life. It have to get worce before it can get any better as far as i know - well about now I've reached rock bottom. Lets see if there's a way out.

---

Metallica - The Unforgiven

---

Metallica - Unforgiven II

Forever silenced

My world my pain trapped inside, trouth will never surface. The people that have done bad things get away with it, while i get scared for life, and even more silent in my torture of what's called life.

I'm sorry that i dont write more often, there isn't enough energy for me to do so as things are right now. I wish i could.
I am num, almost dead inside, sure i walk, breatheand look quite alive/happy, that couldn't be far more from the trooth.. If you dont know anything of why, I want it to stay that way.

I never wanted it to be this way, it wasn't completely my choice. How odd it may sound.

---

Anathema - Empty

" Empty vessel under the sun wipe the dust
From my face another morning black Sunday
Coming down again empty vessel empty veins
Empty bottle wish for rain that pain again
Wash the blood off my face the pulse from
My brain and I feel that pain again

I'm looking over my shoulder 'cos millions
Will whisper I'm killing myself again maybe
I'm dying faster but nothing ever last I
Remember a night from my past when I was
Stabbed in the back and its all coming
Back and I feel that pain again

I abhor you I condemn you 'cos this pain
Will never end you got away without a
Scratch and now you're walking on a lucky
Path I have to laugh but you'd better watch your back

There's pathetic opposition they're the
Cause of my condition ill be coming back
For them I've a solution for this sad
Situation nothing left but to kill myself
Again because I'm so empty"

Naptime?

Mylene Farmer - C'est une belle journée
(English translation of lyrics song title "Its A Beautiful Day")


Laying down, the body is dead,
For Thousands it is a man who sleeps,
Half full, is the amphoria,
Yet half empty, it is seen so effortlessly
To see life, from one angle (literally: the tail side of a coin)
Oh philosophy, speak to me of elegies.
Happiness, it frightens me,
To have so many desires,
And my heart murmurs, so ...

(Chorus)

It's a beautiful day,
I'm going to bed,
Such a beautiful day, that is ending,
Gives one the desire to love, but, I'm going to bed,
To sink my teeth into eternity,
It's a beautiful day,
I'm going to bed,
Such a beautiful day, so regal,
Gives, A desire for peace,
To see angels at my feet, but,
I'm going to bed, to make myself beautiful ...

Laying down, the body is dead,
For Thousands it is a man who sleeps,
Half full is the amphoria,
Yet half empty, is how I still see it,
All is said, since when it comes to love,
When things get heavy,
If the heart is light, the elegies flow, always,
The pleasures, those that last, those that don't,
You see my love,
I'm out of breath, you see...

(Chorus)

Beautiful,
Life is beautiful
Like a wing,
That one should not crease,
Beautiful,
Life is beautiful,
And I go there,
Beautiful,
Life is beautiful,
But mine ...
Her, I enter her,
Mortal one, go... (nuance: be free)

(Chorus)

Whats there to say?

Can you love someone without eaven knowing how she looks? Can you feel something diffrent with her if its so?
How do I know if you do want me for who I really am? The nutcase of flesh that in fact gesture 'me'. "The Figure In The Mirror's Not Me" has it's true meaning here.

L'âme Immortelle - Figure In The Mirror



Bad live video, but the lyrics are:

" Every time you put this mask on your face
A little piece of your soul dies away

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

What I feel and what I see
I do through eyes of an enemy
Forced by powers pushing me
Resulting in fear and misery

I change myself to fit the needs....
During this Mutation my heart bleeds
Trying to adjust to Society
Not anymore I want to be free

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

Only a few could break the shell
Surrounding my soul's polluted well
Drink from it and you will see
All the pain that rests in me

It's like Pandora's box
With a number of haunted locks
The one who sees deep inside
knows all the feelings I do hide

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee

Once you took a look inside of me
You decide between joy and misery
If you abuse the things you know

The figure in the mirror's not me
A different reality
It's just a picture that you see
From my true self, I do flee"

---

There are not much to say, I'm a fraud within myself, a lie if you want. I dont deserve any diffrent treatment then anyone else. I just wish I could be me.



I don't belong here..... But?.... Where do I belong then? Can anyone tell me beafore I'm going insane?

Hold your darling.

Sorry Wing, but this song and this video are for me artwork, the blood dont disturb me when it's art. The beauty in it all, is the lyrics, they tell a tale beyond the red liquid. I hope you can oversee this video, but I reccomend that you atleast read the lyrics, altho without the music the lyrics falls a bit to much out of place.

I have lost my words, lost my hope. All that is needed to be told is in this song, these lyrics. Altho you might have to be logged in (and above 18) to watch this video.

:Wumpscut: - Hold
(Fan video)


Time, your time
It fades away
I feel, my time
My life, runs out

So hold, you darling
Your darling, in your arm
Because, it leaves
Very soon, soon

Dance, agian
With me, and we
Will find, and end
For al,l I call

Leaving

This might be

All things aren't as they seem, people aren't what they appear to be. Experience this to many times and you loose all hope in mankind. Dont ask me why, dont ask me how, I wount awnser.
I miss my cat, my Kitty. Trying to move on, but who can ever fill her shoes? Hard to explain thisone also, there is just to much pain involved. Hope is all that is left.

Yes I want to be pretty. Strange how you always want to look like someone else, have another haircolour, have a better life. Im a sucker for the goth look, even if I'm blonde myself.

That's all for now.

Music

Thankfully I've got my music, without it there is no reason to exist. It's the only thing that keep me sane right now. How sad it might sound.. Well, even if i didn't have my music i would still stay among the living, if not only to bug the crap out of some of ya'll.

Even if every tune of every song that I listen to erminds me of my once so beloved shadowy figure in this world. I cant help myself from going there like a bee to honey.. I must feel what I once felt, the last time when I got to hold you in my arms. The thing that hurts the most, is that it isn't you that I can hold in my arms like you promised, like I hoped. I gave you my life, my secrets, my soul.. And you had to turn your back.... I just want to cry.. And believe me I do, safley inside where noone can se my pain, my loss, my grief. There was nothing I could have done, eaven if you might think so my dear.. It feels like you lost your love cause you might have thought that there still was something that I could have done diffrent. Someday you will understand that there was no way for me to do that.

"I'm crawling past my younger years, shedding all of my biggest tears.
Loosing everything that I once had in mind, when it yet was so close to find."
-Jezz -071105

Hungry Lucy - Stay

I come through the door
You're not sitting by the table
Anymore
I look away
Can't hold this image in my mind
I wish I was blind
To the hope your face will bring

Why should I
Keep this guilt wrapped up in chains
Pain again
'Cause my heart's not made that way
We can be
Just as close if I am far away
Love you enough
To stay ... to stay

Oceans of love
Fill my empty heart
And I wonder
Would it always be the same
Carry me inside
These feelings will not die
You'll be with me forever

Why should I
Keep this guilt wrapped up in chains
Pain again
'Cause my heart's not made that way
We can be
Just as close if I am far away
Love you enough
To stay ... to stay

Why should I
Keep this guilt wrapped up in chains
Pain again
'Cause my heart's not made that way
We will be
Just as close though I am far away
I loved you enough
To stay ... to stay

Forever...

Couldn't agree more.

No will

I'm sorry, the few of you who actually read my blog have probably noticed that I haven't updated in a long while. The trouth is, there are no strength, no energy left for me anymore. I cant keep on updating this blog since got nothing to write about accept my pain, my worries, my enclosed world. That can be ok for a while, but now you're just getting bored with my crap, my pain, my shit.
I't feels like it doesent matter if I update it or not, since there are so few ppl reading it anyhow. To you true readers I thank you for your time that you have put into reading my blog, and especially a big thanks to you people who actually took your time to post some comments, most appriciated.

Give me a reason to write on when life time after time kills your spirit & takes away your will to live.

Have I realy

I thought I was yource forever, but now you are making me a fool. I'm sorry for loving you, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I gave you my heart and all you did was to throw it on the ground and step on it. Sorry, but that's how it feels. I kept my promise, my part of the deal. I hope you will understand that one day.

One

"One candle left to burn now, beafore the darkness comes."


Build a bird out of a feather wount be easy my dear. But thats all i got left.

He is comming to get me, when this is over, if I am left alone.

---

I am letting the images talk, dont have my thoughts in line. No words can express my pain, my fear. Most likley will my heart, my soul, take another scaring tomorrow. Forever engraved deep in the flesh inside of me. Oh how I wish it can be us two. But you unfortunatly have destroyed my hope for now.
Altho I will keep my promise to you!

Thoughts

The thoughts keep me awake. Thoughts of you. How I miss your touch. How i miss to hold you in my arms. To smell your hair, hide my face in your neck.. To taste your skin. Loose myself in your beautiful eyes, I am nothing compared to you'r grace. I cant imagine a life without you, my feelings are to strong for you. Eaven when I sin infront of the spirits, I cant stop myself from thinking of you.

I truly do miss you. Many <3 to you.

---

Without my wings I'm stranded, I dont know who took em, but I do know who can give them back to me.

Time to get back, time to try to sleep again. Will this insomnia never end?

Operation

Operation buildup hopefully begins on wensday. Scrabble up the ashes of my so called life, grabbing nail and hammer & get to work.

Rebuilding will take time, and hopefully I can get some support & help from the few friends thats left. I dont expect much tho..