As always

As always I cry an angels bloody tears. Never will I know how or why the words scars my throat. My grinding thoughts keep my awake at night.
Always tired, always confused.
Is this how my life is intended to be?

No mater how long I sleep, I dont feel rested. No matter when I try to go to sleep, I still stay awake far to long. Can't someone come here and knock me to sleep? What truly is needed is for someone to hold me, the one I long for to be there feels way to far away, and in my mind theres a doubt that I will ever feel that person lying next to me ever again. I'm afraid that 'they' have succeeded in their plan to make all we had go away.
What will happen to us if we are torn appart? I dont want to think of it like that, but those are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. Atleast some of the thoughts.. I wouldn't dare to tell everything here. Thats just for me to know, and for you to hopefully never find out. With a few exeptions, you know who you are..

I'm happy to state that my order i placed about three months ago finally has arrived.
Got a bit more expensive then I thought but it's still not that bad. If anyone cares i can put out pictures of the shoes... Strange how such items can make you so happy... Might be cause I don't get to go on a shopping spree that often... ;-)

Take care my faithful readers, all three of you...

---

"Never shall innocent blood be shed.
Yet the blood of the wicked shall flow like a river.
The three shall spread their blackened wings
and be the vengeful striking hammer of god.
And shepherds we shall be,
for thee my lord for thee.
Power hath decended forth from thy hand
so our feet may swiftly carry out thy command.
And we shall flow a river forth to thee
and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
When I raise my flashing sword,
and my hand takes hold in judgment,
I will take vengance upon my enemies
and I shall repay thos who have hazed me.
Oh Lord, raise me to thy right hand
and count me among thy saints.
In nomine Patris,
et Filii,
et Spiritus Sancti"

And daddy tells me, that even angels fall.
Sometimes when it's quiet, I can hear them call.

Day of

This is a day of joy, a day for cheers.. I just wish i could be a part of that selebration. I miss you my dear. I hope to see you soon.. There's just one string of barbed wire betwean us as for now.. Some way, i hope you see that to. Cause I am youce as long as you want me to be. Only yource, noone elses.
I wish i could give you something for your birthday, but you dont want any gifts, or atleast didn't want before. Hard for me to know. Thanks to 'Aka' "Blutengel" i have a picture for you, i hope you see what i mean by it. Many hugs & kisses for your birthday.

Trapped

I'm trapped in this world, of sorrow and pain. Trapped untill my soul's freed once again.
Closed up, with walls all around
Slowly sinking, soon I will have drowned.
Parched with thirst.
Struck with hunger.
Only you can set me free, perish my thirst.
Only you can feed my hunger.

This is what feels like an eternal wait.
Longing for something that might never be.
I am truly yource, forever in my heart.
Forever in my thoughts.

My soul belongs to you my dear. Only you.

A blue bunny for you my dear.

Roses are red...

One singel red rose, thats all i got left now. Before the darkness comes.
I hope it wount be the last, but as for now its the only one i got. Hard to explain how love can make you do strange things. Do think you never thought you would ever do. But im strong, especially when i know what i want. And i want my beloved to stay with me, even if there are no guarantees. They say the last thing to leave a human is hope, so far i can only agree.

"Roses are red..
Voilets are blue..
I still love you..
And i hope you do so to.."
-Jezz -070911
Yes i stole the first part. So sue me.. :-|

The short time i got with my beloved, was the best time i've had in my entire life. How i miss those days. I will carry those memories with me forever, one big chunk of my heart will always stay with you my love. Altho i hope it will be you and me togeather again.

Another minute, hour, day...

One funny thing i've noticed is that the older you get the faster time seems to pass.. Accept whem you are waiting for something or someone, then it's slow..
Waiting for work to end seems endless, but as soon as you step inside your home, it speeds up and you just get time to make something to eat, and sit yourself down only to notice time has run to fast again.. Only option is to get to bed.

Cant do much else then to walk forward, fallowing the path i've walked to many times. I wish it just once would be covered with beutiful rose petals. To walk forward in a more galmorus path, wiht more to be happy about.. But then if i finally got the joy of a rose petal filled path, i would not be suprised to see all the trees dead or with no leaves, and the ground covered in snow, only to make my workd dull anyhow. Yes im a bit bitter i dan admit. Its rely not that bad i promise.. To be ohnest i would be quite pleased if i only had the figure and the dress of the woman on the picture.. Im easy to please that way.. ;-)

This day went along as all days have in the past. Still nothing to be joyful about. And at the same time nothing to be sad about. Constant "nothingness" that's hard to explain. I truly hope that i very soon get something diffrent and fun to do... Wish me luck...

And i also wish to thank the friendly soul who helps me get up in the morning, thanks your wakeupcall means a lot to me.. *hugs*

Hungry Lucy - Rainfall (Live on City Nights)
"Behind a wall
There is a boy
I've tried to reach
For many years
Each time it rains
I see his face
I offer shelter
He walks away

May you have brighter tomorrows
The past you had was shrouded in deceit
May you be eternally beautiful
The way you are
The way you are
To me

I had the chance
To feel his pain
I didn’t look
Deep inside
My desperate hope
Won’t bring him back
It only kills
The love I have

I walked away
From the waters edge
Feeling numb
From the cold
Now when it rains
I can’t see his face
I am weak
And I have failed"

Im so empty

"Like a wounded crow with wooded stapeled wings. Crippeled but still soaring.
Trying to stay wingborn.

I refuse to be one of them.
Staked, trapped, and bleeding.
Yeah, it's true, that woun't happen.
Right, for sure?"
-Jezz 2007-09-05


Mostly i feel just empty, i dont know what to do. Just stay awake doing nothing. Cant fall asleep, but still to tired to do anything creative. Gazing into nowhere. Whats there to see?
How come i cant sleep when i realy need to? Thoughts grind my mind, blurring my thoughts. Making me forget what i was doing, or supposed to do. Mocking me.. I feel ded tired, go to bed. But well there, im wide awake. Someone, something, is messing with me.. Why o why is everything the same, it feels like the days just repeats themselves. Over and over i do the same things.
It's hard enough trying to get my thoughts in line to write my blog. Can start a sentence, only to re-write it moments later since the words just wrote are nothing, empty, silent. Can only vision myself crying, cant do that anymore. Dont let myself. Eaven if it might make things feel better.


Anathema - Empty
" Empty vessel under the sun wipe the dust
From my face another morning black Sunday
Coming down again empty vessel empty veins
Empty bottle wish for rain that pain again
Wash the blood off my face the pulse from
My brain and I feel that pain again

I'm looking over my shoulder 'cos millions
Will whisper I'm killing myself again maybe
I'm dying faster but nothing ever last I
Remember a night from my past when I was
Stabbed in the back and its all coming
Back and I feel that pain again

I abhor you I condemn you 'cos this pain
Will never end you got away without a
Scratch and now you're walking on a lucky
Path I have to laugh but you'd better watch your back

There's pathetic opposition they're the
Cause of my condition ill be coming back
For them I've a solution for this sad
Situation nothing left but to kill myself
Again because I'm so empty"

Star by star

Every soul has a match i like to believe, the tricky part is to find he or she. There is also several kinds of soulmatching. About the same way as you find a song that makes you cry when you listen to it, you find yerself almost crying when you're near him/her. Even if he/she feels miles away, the link can almost make you swear that you feel what she feels. Dream what he/she dreams, or appear in their dreams, almost so clear so that it beacomes true. Strange isn't it?

Or just feeling a connection to a friend, a connection that you never thought you would have to any other human being. An understanding that seemed impossible to achieve.
In darkness or in light, in sadness or in helth.

I realy wish we will stay together forever.


The Kovenant - Star By Star
"We were alone and on our own, in the dark between the stars
From the shadows to the pyre, amidst the chaos, from the stars
Love, life and liberty, Hate, death and captivity
Like a stain of starless darkness, across the canvas of space

Star by Star
Corrupting all of humanity
So much alike are we
When I see you I see me

Galaxies glitter in the black night sky, Towards progress, towards death
From the stars we have come, and to the stars we will return

The violence of passion - The passion of violence
The perverse impulses - The savage egoism
The wicked presence - The wicked essence
The thing that unites us - The thing that divides us

Star by Star
Corrupting all of humanity
So much alike are we
When I see you I see me"

So much to do and so little time

I wish i had more time to day to clean up the place. Its well over due, but i cant find the energy. Forgive me my friends.. You will have to live with it for a little longer.

I think im gonna buy one of those self vacuming robots to keep the floors clean atleast so it would look better around here.. I must check out how much one of those cost.

Gonna spend another couple of hours infront of the coputer (as usual) instead and then head off to bead to try to get some sleep.

The translation to the text on the picture is:
"Love is blind
but in my case its also
deaf, mute, dyslectic,
have worn out hips
and beginning alzheimer"

Thoughts

Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate (click for youtube video link):
"Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone"


Due to popular demand i will (try to) write in english from now on. //Jezz

To comment on the lyrics pasterd above, i have to quote Zach Braff when he comments Dido: "If my heart could wrinte songs, they would sound like these"

Im gonna try to keep a little more polite and positive feeling in my "future echoes" in my blog. I hope you can forgive me when i end up short on that promise..
Soon i will get less time to exist on web, hopefully it will be only for a couple of weeks. But as for now i'm gonna continue to post entrys as usual (hopefully one every day, but no promises there either)..
Life feels a bit better, and hopefully will continue to do so after this weekend, i needed it. The only bad thing is that i didn't have a friend to share it with. Thats a 'problem' for the future to handle.

And welcome my newest reader Wing to my blogspace, hope you check in often.

Äntligen en ledig dag

I dag har man äntligen fått vara ledig. Bara vila, sitta framför dumburkarna (datorn och TV'n). Bara synd att jag inte gör någonting vettigt framför någon av apparaterna. Vem vet, en vacker dag kanske nåt bra kommer ut av det.

I morgon så kanske jag måste rycka in, chefen sa att jag kanske blir tvungen att komma in på jobbet om inte han som är sjuk kommit tillbaka. Så jag hoppas han tillfrisktnat, känner mig inte sugen för fem öre att hoppa in på en fredag.

Nu ska jag sova, godnatt folket.

Idealiskt

Vad är ideal?

Ideal kommer från "Idealism" som kröp fram under Antiken, en stor idealist var Platon.
Herr Platon hävdade att den verkliga världen igentligen var 'idéernas' värld, en särskilld värld bortom alla känslor, medan de reella tingens värld var en skuggornas värld, en värld av bleka reflexer från idéerna.
Det finns två sifor av idealism, den subjektiva och den objektiva.
Skilladen är att den subjektiva tar som grund för det existerande en individs, ett subjekts förnimmelser, föreställningar och medvetande. Medans den objektiva förnekar att det bakom förnimmelserna finns reella, av människan oberoende ting, som påverkar våra sinnen och som framkallar vissa förnimmelser hos oss. Låter invecklat, men det tåls att tänka på...

Ska man idolisera så ska man idolisera de som vågar stå på egna fötter, egna ben utan att skämmas inför andra. Dagens bild är på Jessicka Fodera, en kvinna som lyckats trots att hon inte följer dagens ideal. Vid ett tillfälle ska hon tydligen ha sagt något i stil med att "Folk kommer fortfarande att lyssna på min musik oavsett hur rund jag än blir". Och hon hade rätt, hennes fans sviker henne inte. Bara synd att resten av världen inte tog åt sig.... Med andra ord så måste man inte se ut som en sticka för att bli accepterad här i världen.

Vill se fullmånen igen

I dag vaknade jag tidigt, men till vilken nytta? Känns som det inte finns någonting att göra, allt bara flyter på rutiner.. Och tyvärr inga bra och nyttiga rutiner.
Vart ska allt sluta? Jag trodde att jag vid detta stadie i mitt liv redan skulle ha stadigt förhållande och eventuellt ett större boende. Men ack vad man kan bedra sig själv i dessa frågor. Allt man planerat och velat ha i framtiden kommer aldrig. Vem ska stå ut med mig? Allt är inte som det ser ut.

Alla har vi våra demoner, jag är inget specialfall, det finns de som har det värre än mig (ni vet vilka ni är), endå kan jag inte undvika att känna mig frustrerad av min sitruation. Usch vad människan är självisk..

Det är som månen, det dröjer alldeles för länge innan man får känna sig fulländad igen..


Dagens soundtrack: Nelly Furtado - Im Like a Bird

"You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through"

Djupa andetag

Har jag tur så får jag vara ledig från torsdag men det är inget jag kan vara säker på, min chef är ombytlig av sig.


För de som undrar så "stjäl" jag dom bilder jag lagt upp här bland annat från konstnärer så som Joseph Michael Linsner (http://www.linsner.com) eller genom rent googlande efter bilder med sökord som "sadness", "crying eye" osv.

Bilden här till höger har Linsner gjort, tycker han är en underbar tecknare även fast han har en lite väl smal och osund kvinnosyn. Men man kan inte få allt alla gånger.

Min favoritfotograf finns på en sajt man måste vara medlem för att kunna se bilderna han tagit. Törs inte lägga upp hans bilder här endå, de flesta skulle rådna ända ner till tåspetsarna av de vackra artistiska bilderna han tar. Inte alla som har det ögat för "konst". Älvöga vet vad jag talar om, hoppas jag i alla fall.. ;-)

Vill inte skrämma iväg de få vännerna jag har.

" Time, your time
It fades away
I feel, my time
My life, runs out

So hold you darling
Your darling, in your arms
Because it leaves
Very soon, so soon

Dance agian
With me, and we
Will find, and end
For all, I call

Leaving"
- Rudi

Alltid borta för länge

Jobb hela tiden, känns som jag aldrig får sova, aldrig får vara mig själv. Alltid någont som bryter min tid.. Kom nyss hem, och får ingen ro, hur ska jag kunna somna?

Aldrig har livet varit så tomt som nu. Ständigt tomrum..
Saknar någon att hålla om, höra eller känna någon annans hjärtslag medans man sakta slumra in.
Få stirra mig blind i de vackraste ögonen jag kan tänka mig.
Hålla om min älskade och bara existera tilsammans, här och nu.
Önskar jag kunde gråta floder, men vem skulle lyssna? Vem skulle bry sig?
Är jag alltid så här negativ? Nej verkligen inte, bara då jag är själv, vilket jag är för mycket... Varför? Självförvållat, till stor del, kalla det självbevarelsedrift.

Känns som jag bara svamlar om mig själv, vem eller vad ska jag svamla om annars?
Tur jag bor bortom allas räckvidd. Jag kan bara räddas av mig själv..

"Vill du plåga dig själv - låt mig göra det
Vill du svimma - gör det nån stans mjukt
Vill du skaka och ramla ihop - låt mig vaka över dig.
Vill du svälta dig själv eller kräkas - Gör det då, för jag kan inte göra något för att hindra dig."

"Tunga händer på mina axlar.
Kväver min ork, drenerar min livskraft.
En röst ekar inom mig, 'Titta, se mig här'
Vänder mig om för att se vem, men det finns ingen där.

Hoppet flackar, vill överge mig.
Jag kan inte släppa dig, du får mer tid.

Mina tankar vill inte organisera sig,
allt blir ett virrvarr av upprörda känslor och hopp om en ljusare tillvaro.

Plötsligt är händerna på mina axlar igen, tyngre än sist.
Fråga inte varför, gör inte det. Jag stannar hos dig, tills du ger mig frid."


Den bara komm till mig då jag satt på jobbet. Jag vet inte om det är jag eller någon annan som genom mig skrivit den. Den käns så underlig men samtidigt så beskriver den ngt jag känner inombords. Denna dag har varit både intressant och jobbig. Att allt ska vara så förbaskat komplicerat här i livet. Då man väl sitter med tråden, till en början av ett värdigt liv, för att sedan bli av med det i ett jordskred. Vill gråta blod, men gör det inte.

Dagens skörd

Oj oj oj vad less jag är, att det alltid ska finnas människor som bara har en sak i huvudet - Att få sin egen vilja igenom, alla andras åsikter betyder ingenting. Usch för falska människor.. Det räcker med att jag hade en falsk, manupilerande skit som bästa kompis på tok för många år, innan jag upptäckte fasaden och lyckades få mig ut. Iofs så fick jag hjälp på traven med mig själv i tonnåren tack vare denna s.k. kompis, men till ett högt pris. Kan gå in på det mera någon annan gång.

Dagen har rent generellt varit bra, det fattas någonting riktigt viktigt i mitt liv å andra sidan.. Jag ska inte avslöja vad det är ännu, det får ni läsare lista ut, och ni läsare som redan vet får hålla det för er själva. Men att vänta känns som en evighet. Speciellt då man inte vet vad det blir i slutändan.

Första inlägget

Tja nu har man till slut skaffat en blogg även fast jag aldrig hade tänkt skaffa mig en.

Kort och gott så hoppas jag kunna förmedla mig själv lite till de som kan vara intresserade. Nog för att jag själv har svårt att tänka mig att någon vill läsa de ord jag knappar ut i cyberrymden.

Vem är jag då? Jag är Jessica, eller Jezz, vilket som..
Jag är en tjej på sätt och vis, många upplever ming kanske som lite grabbig men va tusan - bara för att man är tjej så tycker jag inte att man ska vara mesig.
Finns en som säger att jag är en ängel, tack du vet vem du är. =)
Vet å andra sidan inte om jag kan hålla med, jag har gjort något som fått mig att tappa vingarna i sånna fall.. Jag vet vad jag gjort för att förlora vingarna, har jag tur så återfår jag dem nån gång i framtiden.

Ärligt talat så är det få som känner mig, trots det så känner jag många, lite som "Alla känner apan fast apan känner ingen" men tvärt om.. Will you be my friend? (If you dare that is.)

Måste avsluta med en kommentar till en bekant, som än så länge inte vet vem jag är heller, men hon ser ut som jag vill se ut, hon är ärligt talat en snygg, vacker, trevlig och mysig människa. Tyvärr så tror hon inte att hon ser så bra ut som hon gör, utan vill se ut som en (pinnig)modell - trots att hon redan ser ut som en modell. I alla fall av det jag sett. Ärligt talat så ser hon bättre ut än en modell eftersom hon inte ser plastig eller retucherad ut som modeller gör.

" Give me some antiseptic
To wash this headache away
Give me a syringe
To inject the pain
Give me something pretty I hope I'll never be
I'd rather be creepy and very strange
Give me a cake that I can mix and bake
In a Betty Crocker oven that I will break"
-Jessicka Fodera

English translation (requested and fullfilled):

Well, now have i finally started a blog, eaven tho i never tought i would get one.

In short i hope to be able to be able to speak up and let the ones who's interested read. Altho i have a hard time emagining that anyone would be interested in these words i punch out in cyberspace.

Who am i then? I am Jessica, or Jezz, wichever you prefer.
I am a girl in many ways, altho many people think im a bit of a tomboy, but what the heck - only cause you're a girl i dont think you need to be weak and whimpy.
There are some people who thinks im an angel, you know who you are. :-)
Dont know if i can agree to that statement, i hve done something that made me loose my wings in that case.. And i know what i've done to loose them also, if im lucky i will regain them some time in the future.

Ohnestly speaking there's not many who know me, but i know many, its a bit like "All knows the monkey but the monkey knows noone" altho the other way around. Will you be my friend? (If you dare that is.)

I have to sum up with a comment to a person i know, who at this moment still dont know who i am neather, the fact is that she looks like i want to look, she is ohnestly speaking a beautiful, gorgeous, plesant and cozy person.
Unfortunatly she dont believe that she looks any good, she wants to look like a (skinny) model - altho she allready looks like a model. Atleast of what i've seen.. To be telling the trouth, she realy looks better then eny model cause she dont look flat and computer edited like modells does.