My empty world of thoughts. "I Am, and always will be my own thinking soul.
But i dont feel well, if I'm not allowed to belong to someone else." -Jezz 990708
Speechless and blind, thoughts screaming in my mind.
Remember never to do this one more time. Always hurts more when it's a crime.
Will not fall into this trap again, need to keep sane. She was a demon who kept me trapped with pain. Nothing will ever be the same again.
Speechless and blind, thoughts screaming in my mind.
All I wish is that i could make it all rewind. Try it all over just one more try.
Just want someone the help me with my life. Perhaps even to be my wife? Still no one have heard my cries.
-Jezz 2008.03.07
In this case, the beast killed the beauty. Unfortunately.. Time will tell if the beast only killed another beast to create a beauty. The story will go on.
This could be me... If I was pretty that is.. But still close.. Like the blue hair color. Brings out the eyes more. If it was possible. I Feel.... Something... Don't know what it is yet.. Will try to find out.. Is there someone out there that sends me energy that I do not know off? I'm not used to this, so be careful. - Or in another case, it might just be my searing back pain that's worse then usual projecting pain through my weakened soul. Sweet nothing. Then I See her face, only to be gone without a trace. Empty memories, empty faces. Everywhere I go there's fences.
Angry men pointing, laughing. Telling me to go places. Depressed and tired, I only stare at their stupid faces.
She crawled inside my brain, there you will remain. Untill I'm finally sane. Free of all this pain.
-Jezz 2008.03.06
Over & out for mow, sleep well.. I know I wount.. //Jezz
I Stare at your grace, your beloved appearance, as we catch eye contact just for a second. I Fill with devoted emotions. I Want to know what it feels like being your's. To be held in your arms, held in your heart. Various feelings, like my inside wants to explode. Don't want to loose what it might have become.
Pain ever come. Can not heal, cannot seek, devotion, emotion. Searing pain running through my veins. Closing in on my heart, pushing, aching.
Sense you, sense you madly. You're so far, far away. I Barly see your shadowy figure. I Reach out trying to grab something that's not there. Broken... through my tears.. Flowing like a waterfall down my cheeks, forever, never to stop. How can I get you closer?
- Jezz 080304
Here's another lyric:
Absurd Minds - Silence (Can Be Faithful) Remembering the time i was a fool, I was a victim of a virus. The past turns to present once a year. Now i can hear you, I can see you. you`re so nice. I feel the poison in my veins. It makes my blood boil. you`re so fine. I wanna kiss you, i wanna touch you.
I wanna touch you, my girl. the silence can be fateful. Where is the key to your feelings, i never knew. Wild emotions are locked in, They can`t break out of me. I`m paralyzed with fear. however, Silence can be fateful. You don`t know the question, So i cannot get the answer. And you don`t know my wishes, You don`t know my hopeful dreams. The past turns to present once a year. Now i can hear you, I can see you. you`re so nice. you`re so sweet. You`re so fine.
Another Quote the lst "Absurd Minds" lyric posted, 'Septic': "If I was a winner, I wouldn't have failed" No argues there. True... True...
It's strange, I feel a presence.. A link of some sort, to someone.. Don't know who.. A strange feeling.. Whoever you are.. Come take my heart, before it's lost within myself. Before I loose myself into something bad. Before I loose control if it all. I'm going completely mad when I have to live like this, without all meaning, without a hope.
Don't rely know what to write today.. I'm dead tired, but generally & strangely in good spirit. Or not as "heavy minded" as usual.. I Don't know how to describe it rely.. Today I think I will take some inspiration from my new found friend Jessi, and make a list of some of the women I admire. Not necessarily in order:
Jezz's Top 5 Female Preformers:
1. Sharon Den Adel - Singer of the band Within Temptation.. Wonderful voice & stage performance.
2. Emilie Autumn - Singer & music writer. Brilliant girl!
3. Sara Noxx - Singer & writer, she has a quite unique way to write/sing. Essexx - one of the projects she's part of.
4. Liv Kristine - Former singer of the band "Theatre Of Tragedy", released an solo album and created a 'new' band "Leave's Eyes". Heavenly voice.
Suddenly it struck me.. I've been lying to everyone I've ever met, ever knew.. Even my closes friends & family.. It's not a bad lie in some ways, but the hard part is now to tell, without loosing any more friends.. Want to gain more "new" friends.. Not that the one's I've got are bad, it's just that many of them are hard to speak with since they live in the other side of the world, time difference makes communication way to late sometimes wich makes my already messed up life more messed up.. :-( Not your fault, It's just as mentioned, I don't got any other to speak with.. And I enjoy talking with you, the time difference aren't any of us fault. So don't worry about that please? Here's a pic for you :-P
Before I had many people to talk to all around the world, now there's just a few of them left due to the change from ICQ to MSN (dang Microsoft).. To many are lazy and don't install ICQ when they have reinstalled or bought new computer.. Lost many good internet friends that way, will always be missed - R.I.P.. Some are still there, and I want to keep them, I love those buggers even if I've never met most of them, and just talk by text. It's still almost the only communication that I have with other humans these days.. Yes my life is miserable at the moment. But you guys and girls makes it all worthwhile, never forget that. *hugs*
This is usually where I post a song, but this time it can't be found on youtube, or any other site I've searched.. Therefore I will just give you the lyrics, listening to the song will be left to you, if you can find it.
Absurd Minds - Septic Like a flower in the desert The only beauty within miles She attracts all men's attention A perfect sweety spending smiles
And I have lost myself in her What's left of me ain't worth to mention All my life is missin' in action I loved myself through her affection
There's nothing else to share I was awake but not aware Strategic leader of my senses This mindwar builds the highest fences
She's my eyeball turning blind She's a care-actress on the love-set She's the drug that rapes my mind She is the poison I can't hate
Septic honey on my bread Septic thoughts spin through my head Septic baby in my bed Septic, bad, worse, dead Vom Gift deiner Lenden übersäht I only wanted love instead
I see you, I hear you, but I don't feel you nomore I am willing to behave Could you like me without fear I'm prepared to be your slave Bleibst du für immer bei mir ?
A sudden end to my desire I simply reflect your light & fire Still I don't shine if you don't shine Lies burn my love - ich bin so klein
We're so close in distance And yet so far in thought Sin in itself does not make sense Wo auch immer Liebe droht She's my eyeball turning blind She's a care-actress on the love-set She's the drug that rapes my mind She is the poison I can't hate
Septic honey on my bread Septic thoughts spin through my head Septic baby in my bed Septic, bad, worse, dead Vom Gift deiner Lenden übersäht I only wanted love instead
I see you, I hear you, but I don't feel you nomore
I don't want to be nailed To anyone's cross If I was a winner, I wouldn't have failed If I wasn't lovemad, I could take the loss
Is there anything else? Well, this is me, saying good night, good fight.. Life's always a struggle.. Over & out. //Jezz
Hm, things haven't quite turned out as planned.. . Yet that is. More time will hopefully tell. As for now, I can only wait and hope that some major changes can be made before all hope has left me. Hope.. They say that hope is the left thing that leaves a human.. I Can only agree as for now. Don't be sad for me, and don't even for a second believe that I have, or even will, give up. I'm far to stubborn for quitting. "Never give up, never surrender!" - Galaxy Quest
Thing's are still the same, that's why I don't enter a post here every day, seems like I just type the same things over and over again. I would be happy to have something new, something positive to tell just for once... Yet there's only pain & suffering that are scratched down in this miserable blog. Most people who just by accident end up here and read this will just think that I am "another EMO".. Well, perhaps you're right, or perhaps you're miserably wrong? If I am EMO - I would be the grand mother of it. I've been around since long before that term ever was founded.. I've carried this pain longer then you can imagine, and probably longer then you've lived. An eternal searing pain. Yes indeed... I do not cut myself, since I discovered that physical pain don't end any psychic - it only numbs it. Better to try to deal with it.
Went to a psychiatrist just some time ago... They wanted to put me on anti depressive medication.. Perhaps I am depressive, but if I am, I've been depressive for way to long, don't know if its that bad.. I don't want any medication.. They just want the "easy fix", you CANT fix me just with some pills, hope you get that! This is way much deeper, that I do know for myself. Dont need anyone to tell me that. I Can tell them what's wrong.. The question is: Will they listen? The Dreamside - Forsaken
Lyrics: Am I forsaken? Am I forsaken?
Let there be lights heaven's too delight Let there be sights For all is lost now
Light from darkness Back it's bright here we stand now Hold me tight
I saw the sign For she has foretold and she has forseen Am I forsaken?
I don't regret it and I don't deny For I saw dark Am I forsaken? (forsaken)
What death may bring My soul is drowning Are we trespassing? Or here to dwell in this house of pain? Going and Staying
Light from darkness Back it's bright Here we stand now Hold me tight
I saw the sign For she has foretold and she has forseen Am I forsaken?
I don't regret it and I don't deny For I saw dark Am I forsaken? (forsaken)
Am I forsaken? Hoooo Am I forsaken?
I saw the sign For she has foretold and she has forseen Am I forsaken?
I don't regret it and I don't deny For I saw dark Am I forsaken? (forsaken)
Somewhere out there ou are, looking, perhaps even waiting for me to find you.. Or perhaps you're searching? Ether way, all that can be done, is for me to wait, search, and beg to witch ever power that rules this world, that the day we finally meet will come soon. It's hard to live in my own personal hell, my own private prison. Need someone to share my life with real soon.. I'm already slowly dying emotionally, the little monster inside that hurts so much, slowly devours it, leaves me numb.. I just want to reach inside, grab that little monster and tare him out of his prison, make my soul free.. But each time I try, he's already hiding away from my reach. Chewing on what remains of my soul.
Drink up what's left of my soul, it's already lost anyway.
SCHWEIN - You're My Disease
Lyrics (Original Japanese): Kanjiteru no wa kurutteru ecstasy Kura yami temaku omae no me ni Roeku ai nikku wo motome kokoro ni tsumetate zutazuta ni
Just like you do as you please You're my disease Just like you do as you please Ore wo kitasu Barairo ga nagareru omae wa midare Just like you do as you please You're my disease
Itami hashiru kizuguchi wa nai Omae wa gokushou no emi ukabe Soko nashi no ai oboeteiku nani mo kanjinai sekai made
Just like you do as you please You're my disease Just like you do as you please Ore wo kitasu Barairo ga nagareru omae wa midare Just like you do as you please You're my disease Just like you do as you please Omae wa midare Just like you do as you please Ore wo kitasu Barairo ga nagareru omae wa midare Just like you do as you please Ore wo kitasu
Kanjiteru no wa kurutteru ecstasy Kura yami temaku omae no me ni Roeku ai nikku wo motome kokoro ni tsumetate zutazuta ni
Just like you do as you please You're my disease Just like you do as you please Ore wo kitasu Barairo ga nagareru omae wa midare Just like you do as you please You're my disease Just like you do as you please Omae wa midare Just like you do as you please Ore wo kitasu Barairo ga nagareru omae wa midare Just like you do as you please Ore wo kitasu
Lyrics (Translation English): The thing that I feel is crazy ecstasy Darkness to your eyes tempting me The crawling love with seeking dirty flesh nail is scratching the heart violently
Just like you do as you please You're my disease Just like you do as you please Disgrace me Flowing rose color and you are going mad Just like you do as please You're my disease Just like you do as you please you are going mad Just like you do as you please Disgrace me Flowing rose color and you are going mad Just like you do as you please Disgrace me
I don't have wound which hurts and runs You are smiling supremely The endless love I'm drunk, faint, drown and falling into the world where I feel so numb
Lyrics: your poison is like honey for my soul that sweet sedative venom makes me whole pale horizons coming down nothing but a stranger in this...
lights keep shifting floating patterns across my face orbs still dripping a salty cure for bitter days slither slowly pass the sadness across the room slither gently shaping god within the gloom
time keeps passing like ashes riding on the storm faith keeps failing under siege of the locust swarm lead is melting slithers down my silver skin hope is dying it opens up what hides within
Could this be me?
Yes in deed, "your poison is like honey for my soul".. I Can't be without whoever you are. Wherever you are. "That sweet sedative venom makes me whole".. Yes, and Its missing form my life, makes me incomplete, non functional. I'm generally a kind soul, but with the lack of this somehow I get very unpleasant.... I'm Sorry, I can't help myself.... With pain comes rage unfortunatly... :-(
Someone at work threatened to punch me (yet it was playful tho, not agressive), but stopped the fist in front of my face and said; "That would have broken your nose" Frankly, I couldn't care less if it had happened, physical pain is a lot more easy to deal with... This pain inside tares me down from within, no wounds no scars, only an eternal pain gnawing on my inner feelings in a way that cannot be treated by medication, doctors or band aids... Only one solution, just to bad that solution has to take time, every second, minute, hour, day, week, month - hurts badly, twisting out my energy through a searing pain. The eternal wait, for the one to whom I belong.......
Lyrics: I want to hold you to the sun I want to be your faithful one I want to show you all the beauty You don't even know you hold I'm hurting you for your own good I'd die for you - you know I would I'd give up all my wealth To buy you back the soul you never sold I want to mix our blood And put it in the ground So you can never leave I want to earn your trust Your faith your heart You'll never be deceived
Liar Liar Liar Liar
I want to heal you pretty sweet I'll throw rose petals at your feet I'll spend eternity Comparing all my poetry to yours I want to see love through your eyes you'll never have to compromise I'd give up all my fame To fight your demons and your bloody wars
Are you suffering? Are you suffering? Are you suffering? Are you suffering? Are you suffering? Show me your suffering I want your beautiful suffering I want to see your pain Are you suffering? Show me your suffering I want your beautiful suffering I want it I want it
I want to mix our blood And put it in the ground So you can never leave I want to earn your trust Your faith your heart You'll never be deceived I want to mix our blood And put it in the ground So you can never leave I want to earn your trust Your faith your heart You'll never be deceived
Liar Liar Liar Liar
I want to mix our blood And put it in the ground So you can never leave.
There's a thin line between hate & love. The earth move beneath my feet, my world stopped turning years ago. Leafs fall to the frozen ground all dead and brittle. They say; Things has to get worse, before they can get better. How much worse does it has to get? Once you're higher then air, you're struck down, thrown to the ground. Taking forever to get back up there.To get that 60 second feeling of freedom.
When this love found me, I thought it would never fall apart. That her feelings where mine. That we would be togeather forever. But the world closed it's eyes towards our love. Left me in darkness, witout a chance to make our love stick. All I could do was to silently stand and watch. While the earth beneath me fell away, leaving an deep dark cave. Into it I fell. Still falling, still calling.
If I'm ever found again, we'll see. Done to much work to hide. Done to much work to flee. To much work onto building something that never could be. Now it's time to release, and set me free.
Emilie Autumn - Shalott
(Yes, I actually cried the first couple of times I heard this song, almost too beautiful.. //Jezz )
Shalott lyrics
She's locked up with a spinning wheel She can't recall what it was like to feel She says, "This room's gonna be my grave And there's no one who can save me," She sits down to her colored thread She knows lovers waking up in their beds She says, "How long can I live this way Is there no one I can pay to let me go 'Cause I'm half sick of shadows I wanna see the sky Everyone else can watch as the sun goes down So why can't I
Chorus: And it's raining And the stars are falling from the sky And the wind And the wind I know it's cold I've been waiting For the day I will surely die And it's here And it's here for I've been told That I'll die before I'm old And the wind I know it's cold..."
She looks up to the mirrored glass She sees a horse and rider pass She says, "This man's gonna be my death 'Cause he's all I ever wanted in my life And I know he doesn't know my name And that all the girls are all the same to him But still I've got to get out of this place 'Cause I don't think I can face another night Where I'm half sick of shadows And I can't see the sky Everyone else can watch as the tide comes in So why can't I
Chorus
But there's willow trees And little breezes, waves, and walls, and flowers And there's moonlight every single night As I'm locked in these towers So I'll meet my death But with my last breath I'll sing to him I love And he'll see my face in another place," And with that the glass above
Her cracked into a million bits And she cried out, "So the story fits But then I could have guessed it all along 'Cause now some drama queen is gonna write a song for me," She went down to her little boat And she broke the chains and began to float away And as the blood froze in her veins she said, "Well then that explains a thing or two 'Cause I know I'm the cursed one I know I'm meant to die Everyone else can watch as their dreams untie So why can't I
Listen to this song, post comments on what you think about it, and what you feeling's that it awakes in you. Don't be afraid, it's just an experiment.. And don't be afraid to tell your first feelings that awakens of it.
A little now and then I stumble uppon gold, that I find a diamond. This was of sure a long time ago, but I think it's time to share. I am speaking of a band named Kosheen, from Great Britain. Their sound is different, new, wonderful.. You have to hear for yourselves. I first herd this band in 2002-2003, didn't think very much about them back then, but as most bands that re different, they grew on me. Now it's up to you to hear for your self if its for you or not, but dont be to quick to judge, most great music has to grow in your mind before you decide. If you just let the easy listened - mind controlling - music rule your world, it's time to take a step back and rethink what music rely is about.
Quote taken from the link mentioned above: " This is at the point in the RP where Shyl is so close to death and sick with poison it has caused a fever.. He lies in a grassy field among the tall trees, unable to move.. The spirit of his love Hanna cuddles in his arms, wanting to offer comfort in any way she can.. Shyl feels that death would be better than to return to the pain of life without the one he loves near to him.. He does not die, but he comes close. "
Oh yeah I came close, yet still I had no "spirit" to hold me, still don't. They say "Alone is the stongest", these days i somewhat agree. But still I'd rather not die alone. I only get a taste of how it's like to be happy... Only to immediately be struck down back into my dark hole. To answer your question, "have you ever been truly happy?".. I Can only say, that i honestly don't know, don't believe that I've ever have so far, only a small taste here and there, only to end up with a more miserable life then before. And so far I don't know if I can manage to save myself from here. My most hope is that someone finds me and carries me out of here. Got to be a brave soul, and that's not easy to find.
Cranberries - Promises
As a scarecrow I could have fun. I Could make them all run. Cuddle up in fear. Noone would dare to look at me.
She made me flee into the dark. To the mountains I fled. Away from it all. I found a cave, where I can hide from myself. Wither in memory of her grace. The one I loved the most. Even when I shut my eyes, I see her face. Every time.
When she looked at me, with her pretty eyes. I Had no idea, that she was a vixen in disguise. I do miss everything I once had, And now it's lost, all gone bad. Did I do wrong? I Never ment you harm. Cause with you is where my heart belong. Where there's pain, someone sings my song.
I cry in vain, nothing remains the same. I always have to fail this game. Over and over again. Only thing that remain, is yet more pain.
//Jezz -080126
There is nothing more needed to be told. Things are what they are, the past cant be changed. Can't forget, no i wount forget.
Today I'm not gonna "whine" about me, today I'm gonna 'analyze' some lyrics from the swedish group "The Knife", not that I dislike their musick, on the contrary, I like it. The lycics are showin in italic and my comments in reguar text like ususal.
To hear the song, look at this fanvideo (no couldn't find the original video if there is one), even tho it's a good fan video for once:
The Knife - Got 2 Let U
And here are the lyrics then:
Vers 1. Fuu! I got to got to let you down But in an hour I will change my mind. I got to got to let you down But in an hour I will change my mind. -
Hehe, yes this sounds almost to familiar, people change their minds a bit to rapidly sometimes. Wich can have dire consequences.
It taste like magic to me Making mistakes and be forgiven easely. It taste like magic to me Making mistakes an be forgiven easely (easely).
Hah! Like that's reality, feels like you get forgiven far to seldom. One mistake, and it will stay with you forever.. Or is that only as it feels?
Vers 2. Fuu! I know she lets me down but just for a short while then she changes her mind. I know she lets me down but just for a short while then she changes her mind.
Hmm, so here it's the female's who makes the mistakes, don't think there's a difference, men do about the same mistakes, perhaps not in the same field/area tho.
She does it all the time Making mistakes and then I need some why.
Well, yes.. When someone has made a 'mistake' you would like tho know why don't you?
She does it all the time But she´s so pretty and I don´t mind -
Haha, oh yes haven't we seen this far to many times, the world is a lot more kind and forgiving to beautiful and/or famous people.. :-(
Vers 1. ..got to let you down, got to let you down. I got to let you down, got to let you down.
Vers 2. ..she does it all the time Making mistakes and then I need some why.
She does it all the time but she´s so pretty and I don´t mind.
she does it all the time Making mistakes and I need some why
She does it all the time but she´s so pretty and I dont mind.
I dont know myself anymore. Is this how it's supposed to be? Why do I have to go through all this pain and suffering? Due to my actions, I've gone to hell. Yes I mean it, might not look like it. But believe me, it's worse then hell.. Always a constant pain, searing through my veins. Like if they where filled with acid. "It burn's us." so to speak.
Left alone in this puddle to slowly drown. Wish it wasn't my own. Have to deal with myself. See what will become. Is there something that can be done, with this empty burnt out shell? Whenever it will be done. I want nothing to be left undone. Want it all to be new. A new outer self. To cope with the feeling's I have.
Enough said.
The Dreamside - Open your eyes
(Cover) Moby - That's when I reach for my revolver
I've got two set's of eyes, one is bleeding, one is blind.
Hehe, cool picture isn't it? I would love to be able to do such makeup.. Altho i can't, to little practice, to little time. And no! I Don't got enough time to practice even on the simplest makup, to much work and other things going on right now, it feels like there's no time left for myself anymore. Always doing something, yet nothing. Complicated.. Don't ask..
I wish there could be something more to this. I'm stuck in a loop, always the same. All this suffering, all this pain. I know, and I try to stop, to write something else... But there's nothing else worth mentioning going on in my life. All I do is work, eat and barley sleep. Yes I don't sleep as I could. Even my sleeping pills don't work as they could.. I don't work properly.. Total chaos, total emotional armageddon... I am getting worried that I never will feel anything again.
Everlast - I Can't Move
I am still lost without you. Still lost within myself. Still long for the day that will never come. Still hope, for something's that long gone.
If only this could be me. Even sad, still pretty. Dark and gloomy. Lonely with me tears.
A friend in need, is a friend indeed.. / A Friend with breasts and all the rest, A friend who's dressed in leather. Oh well, where's my friend who's like that?? O.o *looks around* *Finds noone* Oh, well... I believe.... Whats ment to be, will take away my misery..... And oh i am miserable right now, no no, don't pitty me.. I get along for now. Just tired of it all. Never do I get something that will last for life. That's all I want... I thought I had it, but I lost everything. Love is a harsh game... It don't matter however I try to turn it - I always end's up as the looser in the end. I will look for my Luna, my Nemi forever as it seem's... Beautiful picture tho isn't it? :-)
Today, I will just mention an old - but in no ways forgotten - writer.. William Shakespeare, wrote so many poems and playwrights that are worth to mention, but I will just lik to "his" page on Wikipedia so whoever that's interested can read for temselves.
Today's treat: Placebo - Pure Morning
(Note: That me: Jezz never have taken any drugs, I play it clean! And I do not under any circumstances want anyone else to try, or use them)
That's all for today, Jezz says goodnight to everyone (or you two who reads my blog, thanks for your time).
